Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Letter from Target


A retiree’s wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out as quickly as possible. Equally unfortunate, his wife like most women loved to browse. After about 5 months of accompanying her his wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Murphy:

Over the past few months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Murphy, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Sunday, November 10, 2019

BUBBA


His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ...

And he needed a loan,

So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck
festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South
for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA....

Keep an eye on those southern boys!

Saturday, November 9, 2019

Lying


10 Indicators It May Be Happening

Let’s face it: Most of us lie every day. A famous study by a psychologist at the University of Massachusetts found that “60% of people lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation and told an average of two to three lies.” Most of us are not very good at spotting a lie. And science so far hasn’t done much better. Polygraph machines (popularly referred to as lie detectors) aren’t reliable enough to be used in most courts. And while brain researchers keep trying
to unravel the mechanism of lying, they have come up with nothing definitive. Even so, knowing a few things about lies and their tellers might someday help you. Here are some of the more popular techniques researchers and others working in law enforcement recommend when trying to spot a lie:

1. Voice changes
Changes in a person’s normal behavior can betray discomfort of some sort, and might be a tip-off to lies. These departures from normal behavior are most useful when you are observing someone you know well and are familiar with their normal patterns, and departures from those patterns. If you don’t know your subject well, spend time paying attention to how she or he normally talks and acts when relaxed. Is her speech normally slow or quick, loud or soft?
What is the quality of his voice usually like? Then, watch for distinct, but not subtle, changes from the normal pattern, retired FBI criminal profiler Gregg McCrary tells Real Simple.

2. Fidgeting
Guilt and the accompanying anxiety are thought to cause some people — although perhaps not accomplished liars — to squirm and fidget. But experts disagree on whether fidgeting really is a telltale sign of lying. Again, it might be more important to know whether fidgeting is typical for a person, or if it is an unusual behavior. Some people do the opposite of fidgeting — they cope with stress by standing still or freezing.

3. Protesting too much
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” says Queen Gertrude, Hamlet’s mother, while watching a play in which a character swears she’ll never remarry if her husband dies. The queen is pointing out that liars sometimes give themselves away by making too big a point of proclaiming their innocence. A twist on this is when someone loudly denies guilt or takes offense at the idea they might be thought guilty even though no one has actually accused them of anything. This hostile defensiveness can include finger-pointing.

4. Vowing honesty
Liars often work too hard to demonstrate their honesty, and that can be a dead giveaway. They’ll make too much use of vows and expressions like “to tell the truth,” “to be perfectly honest,” “I swear on a stack of Bibles” and “as God is my witness.”

5. Subtle eye movements
Lying is thought to be stressful for most liars. They have to think about what’s true and concoct a story that departs from the truth, causing a level of strain that, even when it’s subtle, may be observable. This stress can show up in a number of unconscious gestures. Liars are said to look away, or perhaps glance at an exit, betraying a desire to escape, says Psychology Today. Liars sometimes point their feet or even move their bodies in the direction of the exit.

6. Throat clearing
When you are talking with someone who clears his or her throat repeatedly or continues swallowing hard, see if you can figure out the reason for it. The person might just have something stuck in their throat, but be aware that stress can make your mouth dry, forcing a liar to try to relieve the condition.

7. TMI
Liars, at least unskilled ones — and we can all hope that the liars in our lives at least aren’t very good at it — may try to create a distraction by offering much too much information. If you find yourself wondering why you’re getting all this unnecessary detail, sit back, watch and listen. Then, ask yourself what’s going on.

8. Touching the mouth

People who hold their hands around their mouth, covering it or touching it, are unconsciously betraying the fact that they’re lying, behavioral analyst Lillian Glass tells Business Insider: “When adults put their hands over their lips, it means they aren’t revealing everything, and they just don’t want to tell the truth,” she says. “They are literally closing off communication.”

9. Signs of nervousness
Nervousness betrays many liars. Signs of nervousness aren’t hard to spot. For example, someone who is nervous may experience changes in their breathing tempo. Under stress, a person’s shoulders rise and fall, and his or her voice rises.

10. Fixed staring
Blinking, looking away and the inability to look you in the eye are supposed to be signs of evasion with some people. Others, though, may look you right in the eye and lie — but they can give themselves away by staring too intently or failing to blink, Glass says. This brazen behavior might be the sign of a more-accomplished liar. Financial scammer Bernard Madoff, “like most con men, overcompensated and stared at people longer than usual, often without blinking
at regular intervals,” Glass tells Business Insider.

[Source: Money Talks News | https://youtu.be/tglBL_A40Es | October 1, 2019 ++]

Military Humor Part 7


My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
~~~~~~~~~~

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
~~~~~~~~~~

During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear.
~~~~~~~~~~

The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice 
of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?”
~~~~~~~~~~

We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
~~~~~~~~~~

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:

 Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas

 Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes

 Had a new guy conduct a “boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it

 Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an
empty water can)
~~~~~~~~~~

My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question and answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”

He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”


Friday, November 8, 2019

Overseas Holiday Mail 2019 Deadlines



Summer is barely over, but it’s time to start thinking about the holidays, especially when it comes to getting packages overseas in time for the troops. The U.S. Postal Service helps with your planning. They’ve just announced recommended mailing deadlines to get those goodies overseas in time for Christmas. To get them there in time for Hanukkah, which starts on Dec. 22 this year, subtract three days from the deadlines. The deadlines for various methods of shipping are the same for most APO/FPO/DPO (Air/Army Post Office/Fleet Post Office/diplomatic post office) ZIP codes. The exception is mail going to ZIP code 093, which covers overseas contingency areas.

 USPS Retail Ground mail (the slowest way to go, formerly known as Standard Post): Nov. 6.

 Space Available Mail (SAM): Nov. 27.

 Parcel Airlift Mail (PAL): Dec. 4.

 First-Class and Priority Mail (letters, cards and packages): Dec. 11, except for ZIP 093, which is Dec. 9.

 Priority Mail Express Military Services: Dec. 18. This service is not available for ZIP 093.
Plan to use the U.S. Postal Service’s Priority Mail Flat Rate boxes. The boxes themselves are free; you can stuff
whatever you can fit into them, and they cost one flat fee to ship your goodies, regardless of weight. There’s a $1.50
discount per box for those going to APO/FPO/DPO addresses. For example, the largest box military discounted price
is $18.45. The boxes come in various shapes and sizes. The boxes are available at post offices, and at www.usps.com.
The Postal Service has also created a “military care kit," which consists of the items most often requested by military
families. It’s free, and can ordered by calling 800-610-8734. The kit has:

 Two Priority Mail APO/FPO/DPO flat rate boxes
 Four Priority Mail medium flat rate boxes
 Priority Mail tape
 Priority Mail address labels
 Customs forms


At https://store.usps.com/store/product/shipping-supplies/military-care-kit-P_MILITARYKIT the Postal Service
provides guidelines for packing, addressing and shipping items. [Source: MilitaryTimes | Karen Jowers | October 10,
2019 ++

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Sherman’s March to The Sea


Civil War’s Most Destructive Civilian Population Campaign

The March to the Sea, the most destructive campaign against a civilian population during the Civil War (1861-65), began in Atlanta on November 15, 1864, and ended in Savannah on December 21, 1864. Union General William T. Sherman abandoned his supply line and marched across Georgia to the Atlantic Ocean to prove to the Confederate population that its government could not protect the people from invaders. He practiced psychological warfare; he believed that by marching an Army across the state he would demonstrate to the world that the Union had a power the Confederacy could not resist. "This may not be war," he said, “but rather statesmanship.”

After Sherman's forces captured Atlanta on September 2, 1864, Sherman spent several weeks concerned with preparations for a change of base to the coast. He rejected the Union plan to move through Alabama to Mobile, pointing out that after Rear Admiral David G. Farragut closed Mobile Bay in August 1864, the Alabama port no longer held any military significance. Rather, he decided to proceed southeast toward Savannah or Charleston. He carefully studied census records to determine which route could provide food for his men and forage for his animals. Although U.S. President Abraham Lincoln was skeptical and did not want Sherman to move into enemy territory before the presidential election in November, Sherman persuaded his friend Lieutenant General Ulysses S. Grant that the campaign was possible in winter. Through Grant's intervention, Sherman finally gained permission, although he had to delay until after election day.

After General John Bell Hood abandoned Atlanta, he moved the Confederate Army of Tennessee outside the city to recuperate from the previous campaign. Early in October, he began a raid toward Chattanooga, Tennessee, in an effort to draw Sherman back over ground the two sides had fought for since May. But instead of tempting Sherman to battle, Hood turned his Army west and marched into Alabama, abandoning Georgia to Union forces. Apparently, Hood hoped that if he invaded Tennessee, Sherman would be forced to follow. Sherman, however, had anticipated this strategy and had sent Major General George H. Thomas to Nashville to deal with Hood. With Georgia cleared of the Confederate Army, Sherman, facing only scattered cavalry, was free to move south.

Sherman divided his approximately 60,000 troops into two roughly equal wings. The right wing was under Oliver O. Howard. Peter J. Osterhaus commanded the Fifteenth Corps, and Francis P. Blair Jr. commanded the Seventeenth Corps. The left wing was commanded by Henry W. Slocum, with the Fourteenth Corps under Jefferson C. Davis and the Twentieth Corps under Alpheus S. Williams. Judson Kilpatrick led the cavalry. Sherman had about 2,500 supply wagons and 600 ambulances. Before the Army left Atlanta, the general issued an order outlining the rules of the march, but Soldiers often ignored the restrictions on foraging.

The two wings advanced by separate routes, generally staying twenty miles to forty miles apart. The right-wing headed for Macon, the left-wing in the direction of Augusta before the two commands turned and bypassed both cities. They now headed for the state capital at Milledgeville. Opposing Sherman's advance was Confederate cavalry, about 8,000 strong, under Major General Joseph Wheeler and various units of Georgia militia under Gustavus W. Smith. Although William J. Hardee had overall command in Georgia, with his headquarters at Savannah, neither he nor Governor Joseph E. Brown could do anything to stop Sherman's advance. Sherman's foragers quickly became known as "bummers" as they raided farms and plantations. On November 23rd the state capitol peacefully surrendered, and
Sherman occupied the vacant governor's mansion and the capitol building.

There were a number of skirmishes between Wheeler's cavalry and Union troopers, but only two battles of any significance. The first came east of Macon at the factory town of Griswoldville on November 22nd, when Georgia militia faced Union infantry with disastrous results. The Confederates suffered 650 men killed or wounded in a one sided battle that left about 62 casualties on the Union side. The second battle occurred on the Ogeechee River twelve miles below Savannah. Union Infantry under William B. Hazen assaulted and captured Fort McAllister on December 13th, thus opening the back door to the port city. The most controversial event involved contrabands (escaped slaves) who followed the liberating armies. At Ebenezer Creek on December 9th, Jefferson C. Davis removed the pontoon bridge before the slaves crossed. Frightened men, women, and children plunged into the deep water, and many drowned in an attempt to reach safety. After the march, Davis was soundly criticized by the Northern press, but Sherman backed his commander by pointing out that Davis had done what was militarily necessary.

After Fort McAllister fell, Sherman made preparations for a siege of Savannah. Confederate Lieutenant General Hardee, realizing his small Army could not hold out long and not wanting the city leveled by artillery as had happened at Atlanta, ordered his men to abandon the trenches and retreat to South Carolina. Sherman, who was not with the Union Army when Mayor Richard Arnold surrendered Savannah (he had gone to Hilton Head, South Carolina, to make preparations for a siege and was on his way back to Georgia), telegraphed President Lincoln on December 22nd that the city had fallen. He offered Savannah and its 25,000 bales of cotton to the President as a Christmas present. Sherman's march frightened and appalled Southerners. It hurt morale, for civilians had believed the Confederacy
could protect the home front. Sherman had terrorized the countryside; his men had destroyed all sources of food and forage and had left behind a hungry and demoralized people. Although he did not level any towns, he did destroy buildings in places where there was resistance. His men had shown little sympathy for Millen, the site of Camp Lawton, where Union prisoners of war were held. Physical attacks on white civilians were few, although it is not known how slave women fared at the hands of the invaders. Often male slaves posted guards outside the cabins of their female friends and relatives.

Confederate President Jefferson Davis had urged Georgians to undertake a scorched-earth policy of poisoning wells and burning fields, but civilians in the Army's path had not done so. Sherman, however, burned or captured all the food stores that Georgians had saved for the winter months. As a result of the hardships on women and children, desertions increased in Robert E. Lee's Army in Virginia. Sherman believed his campaign against civilians would shorten the war by breaking the Confederate will to fight, and he eventually received permission to carry this psychological warfare into South Carolina in early 1865. By marching through Georgia and South Carolina he became an arch-villain in the South and a hero in the North.

[Source: Together We Served | October 2019 ++]

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Growing Older


Someone asked me if I liked growing older. My response was, not in particular, but it is acceptable - Who thought it
would come so soon. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. Yep - little things don't
irritate me anymore. Big incompetent snafus still do. I've become my own friend. I get some really good replies.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; and it hurts every time.

There is a great freedom that comes with aging. Along with that freedom comes more responsibilities - mostly to
set a good example for the grandchildren.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? Only my
wife. I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 & 70's, as long as my ankles hold out. And if I,
at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, or two, or more, too many years ago to remember them all. I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with
abandon, with any luck the waves won't knock me on my butt and tear up my knees if I choose to, despite the
pitying glances from the jet set. Ain't no jet setters in my Community, but we do have a magnificent beach. They
too, will get old. But they do not yet know it is coming.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. Huh? But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. But some mistakes
are a lot of fun to live over again - with embellished outcomes of course. That goes with the forgetting and, I
eventually remember the important things. Like glasses and toilet paper.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or
when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet passes? I've been through all three and I would rather
not have any more of that. But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. And
most of all: faith. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, it looks darker to me until I see my
picture and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. Nope - not yet So many
have never laughed, and that is sad - laughter is healing at any age and so many have died before their hair could
turn silver. Go get the bottle and try again -

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. So much to be thankful for. You care less about what other people
think or say. I don't question myself anymore. Darn, how could I bet against Clemson! I've even earned the right to
be wrong. That may be so, but living with the consequences is sometimes difficult.

I like being old. I don't mind the old, I do mind the health issues. Old has set me free! I like the person I have
become. I know I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could
have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it). In our
household, we eat dessert FIRST - always.

Monday, October 21, 2019

Military Humor


During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
'Your jeep stuck, sir?' asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
'Nope,' replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, 'yours is.'

~~~~~~~~~~

Officer: 'Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'Sure, buddy.'
Officer: 'That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!'
Officer: 'Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'No, SIR!'

~~~~~~~~~~

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished
with their shaves when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The General shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!'
The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like.'

~~~~~~~~~-

Military USMC Quote… "When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional, and now
it's legal. I'm getting out before they make it mandatory."

~~~~~~~~~~

The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same
language. For example, take a simple phrase like "Secure the building." The various services would take the following
action:
 The Army will put guards around the place.
 The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
 The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
 The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.

Saturday, October 19, 2019

Male Blonde Jokes


Shampoo
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

~~~~~~~~~~

Mail
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

~~~~~~~~~~

Birth

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No! Dummy" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Suicide

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

~~~~~~~~~~
Scuba Divers
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

~~~~~~~~~~
Grenades
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Duchamp Versus Einstein by Christopher Hinz & Etan Ilfeld

"Deeply engaging. Cleverly weaves history and chess into a thought-provoking tale!" – New York Times bestseller Wesley Chu

A voice drifts out of a dark alleyway in 1917 New York, and an apple falls from a hand in 1905 Bern. Duchamp stumbles home from a radical demonstration and Einstein wrestles with an ambitious new theory outside the patent office.

Little do they know they are hurtling towards each other, and a chess match to end all matches manipulated by a being beyond even their understanding.

"Duchamp versus Einstein is full of surprises, bringing these two fascinating intellects together around a chess board at a pivotal moment for mankind." - Christopher Slaney, author of Age of Sail

Available from Angry Robot Books

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

The Forbidden Stars by Tim Pratt

The ancient alien gods are waking up, and there's only one spaceship crew ready to stop them, in this dazzling space opera conclusion to the Axiom saga.

Aliens known as the Liars gave humanity access to the stars through twenty-nine wormholes. They didn’t mention that other aliens, the ancient, tyrannical – but thankfully sleeping – Axiom occupied all the other systems.

When the twenty-ninth fell silent, humanity chalked it up to radical separatists and moved on. But now, on board the White Raven, Captain Callie and her crew of Axiom-hunters receive word that the twenty-ninth colony may have met a very different fate.

With their bridge generator they skip past the wormhole, and discover another Axiom project, fully awake, and poised to pour through the wormhole gate into all the worlds of humanity…

Available from Angry Robot Books

Sunday, October 13, 2019

The Imaginary Corpse by Tyler Hayes


A dinosaur detective in the land of unwanted ideas battles trauma, anxiety, and the first serial killer of imaginary friends.

In a world where Toy Story meets Sin City, a dinosaur detective battles his own trauma and a remorseless serial killer hell-bent on shaking up an already messed-up town.

Tippy the triceratops was once someone’s best friend: a sunshine-yellow toy detective imagined to help make sense of the world. But inescapable tragedy forced Tippy to be set aside – still loved, still Real, but now abandoned. So he found a home in the underbelly of the imagination, a place called the Stillreal.

But friends keep disappearing here, and Tippy is left chasing a mysterious figure who can do the impossible – kill an idea. Permanently. With fear and anxiety already ripe on the streets of Playtime Town, Tippy must face his own demons before all that’s left is imaginary corpses.

Introducing a fantasy-noir of an entirely different breed…

Available from Angry Robot Books

Friday, October 11, 2019

The Resurrectionist of Caligo by Wendy Trimboli & Alicia Zaloga

With a murderer on the loose, it’s up to an enlightened bodysnatcher and a rebellious princess to save the city, in this wonderfully inventive Victorian-tinged fantasy noir.

“Man of Science” Roger Weathersby scrapes out a risky living digging up corpses for medical schools. When he’s framed for the murder of one of his cadavers, he’s forced to trust in the superstitions he’s always rejected: his former friend, princess Sibylla, offers to commute Roger’s execution in a blood magic ritual which will bind him to her forever.

With little choice, he finds himself indentured to Sibylla and propelled into an investigation. There’s a murderer loose in the city of Caligo, and the duo must navigate science and sorcery, palace intrigue and dank boneyards to catch the butcher before the killings tear their whole country apart.

Available from Angry Robot Books.

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Motivational Quotes

On the Humorous Side

Is there such a thing as funny motivational quotes? Of course! I mean, why can’t we have a little fun and be motivated at the same time? Some of the quotes below are pure gold!

Here are 20 more short and funny motivational quotes to help brighten your day:

41. “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin

42. “If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” – Elvis Presley

43. “Life is like a sewer – what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer

44. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

45. “The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.” – Unknown

46. “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” – Mae West

47. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite

48. “You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Sam Levenson

49. “A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.” – Justin Sewell

50. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

51. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

52. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

53. “I have a simple philosophy: Fill what is empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches.” – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

54. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese

55. “Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” – Jason Love

56. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – Winnie the Pooh

57. “The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand

58. “Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson

59. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe

60. “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams

Monday, September 30, 2019

Military Humor

 “If the enemy is in range, so are you” - Infantry Journal.

 “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed” - U.S. Air Force Manual.

 Whoever said, “The pen is mightier than the sword”, obviously never encountered automatic weapons fire -
General Douglas MacArthur.

 “You, you and you panic. The rest of you, come with me” - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant.

 “Tracers work both ways” - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual.

 “Five second fuses only last three seconds” - Infantry Journal

 “The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the browser, Runway behind you and Air above you” - Basic Flight Training Manual.

 “Any ship can be a mine sweeper. Once” - Maritime Ops Manual.

 “Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do” - Unknown Marine Recruit.

 “If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him” - USAF Ammo Troop.

 “Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing” - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops.

 “You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3” - Paul F. Crickmore, SR71 Test Pilot.

 “The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire” - Unknown Author.

 “If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter and therefore it is unsafe” - Fixed Wing Pilot.

Saturday, September 28, 2019

Employment

A Navy Chief retired from a long successful career, but became bored. He decided to accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at the local home improvement store.

After landing his new job as a greeter, a good find for many retirees, he lasted less than a day. Here is his story...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, "Good morning and welcome." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling at the children just long enough to say to me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's only 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just @#$%^!* stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe anyone in their right mind would have sex with you twice! Have a good day and thank you for shopping with us."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Golf Ball & Putter

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a putter.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your putter and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.’

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and putter dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Shrouded Loyalties by Reese Hogan

Shrouded Loyalties by Reese Hogan

A soldier returns home with a dangerous secret from an alternate realm, unaware that she is surrounded by spies and collaborators, in this intense military science fiction novel.

Naval officer Mila Blackwood is determined to keep her country’s most powerful secret – shrouding, the ability to traverse their planet in seconds through an alternate realm – out of enemy hands.

But spies are everywhere: her submarine has been infiltrated by a Dhavnak agent, and her teenage brother has been seduced by an enemy soldier. When Blackwood’s submarine is attacked by a monster, she and fellow sailor, Holland, are marked with special abilities, whose manifestations could end the war – but in whose favor?

Forced to submit to military scientists in her paranoid and war-torn home, Blackwood soon learns that the only people she can trust might also be the enemy.

An Angry Robot release.

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Pale Kings by Micah Yongo

Pale Kings by Micah Yongo

When the gods return to claim their world, the Five Realms will fall, in this earth-shaking epic fantasy thriller following on from the author’s seminal debut, Lost Gods

The Sovereignty has been at peace for three centuries, but now the war to end all wars has finally come. The border cities of the Reach are destroyed, others are falling rapidly, and a nameless force lays waste in the north.

When Neythan and his friends are led to the Summerlands in search of answers, he is unexpectedly confronted with secrets from his forgotten childhood, long buried beneath past trauma, and linked to the ancient scroll he has always carried.

As the mysterious invasion continues, and the supernatural forces responsible are revealed, Neythan must learn the truth that lies in his blood… before it is too late.

An Angry Robot release.

Friday, September 20, 2019

The Heart of the Circle by Keren Landsman

The Heart of the Circle by Keren Landsman

Sorcerers fight for the right to exist and fall in love, in this extraordinary alternate world fantasy thriller by award-winning Israeli author

Throughout human history there have always been sorcerers, once idolised and now exploited for their powers. In Israel, the Sons of Simeon, a group of political extremists, persecute sorcerers while the government turns a blind eye. After a march for equal rights ends in brutal murder, empath, moodifier and reluctant waiter Reed becomes the next target. While his sorcerous and normie friends seek out his future killers, Reed complicates everything by falling hopelessly in love. As the battle for survival grows ever more personal, can Reed protect himself and his friends as the Sons of Simeon close in around them?

An Angry Robot release.

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

The Resurrectionist of Caligo by Wendy Trimboli & Alicia Zaloga

The Resurrectionist of Caligo by Wendy Trimboli & Alicia Zaloga

With a murderer on the loose, it’s up to an enlightened bodysnatcher and a rebellious princess to save the city, in this wonderfully inventive Victorian-tinged fantasy noir.

“Man of Science” Roger Weathersby scrapes out a risky living digging up corpses for medical schools. When he’s framed for the murder of one of his cadavers, he’s forced to trust in the superstitions he’s always rejected: his former friend, princess Sibylla, offers to commute Roger’s execution in a blood magic ritual which will bind him to her forever. With little choice, he finds himself indentured to Sibylla and propelled into an investigation. There’s a murderer loose in the city of Caligo, and the duo must navigate science and sorcery, palace intrigue and dank boneyards to catch the butcher before the killings tear their whole country apart.

An Angry Robot release.

Monday, September 16, 2019

THE MONSTER BARU CORMORANT by Seth Dickinson

A breathtaking geopolitical epic fantasy, The Monster Baru Cormorant is the sequel to Seth Dickinson's "fascinating tale" (The Washington Post), The Traitor Baru Cormorant.

Her world was shattered by the Empire of Masks.

For the power to shatter the Masquerade,

She betrayed everyone she loved.

The traitor Baru Cormorant is now the cryptarch Agonist—a secret lord of the empire she's vowed to destroy.

Hunted by a mutinous admiral, haunted by the wound which has split her mind in two, Baru leads her dearest foes on an expedition for the secret of immortality. It's her chance to trigger a war that will consume the Masquerade.

But Baru's heart is broken, and she fears she can no longer tell justice from revenge...or her own desires from the will of the man who remade her.

SETH DICKINSON's short fiction has appeared in Analog, Asimov's, Clarkesworld, Lightspeed, Strange Horizons,and Beneath Ceaseless Skies, among others. He is an instructor at the Alpha Workshop for Young Writers, winner of the 2011 Dell Magazines Award, and a lapsed student of social neuroscience. He lives in Brooklyn, New York. The Monster Baru Cormorant is the sequel to the critically-acclaimed The Traitor Baru Cormorant.

On sale September 24, 2019 from Tor Books. 9780765380753. $19.99 USD

Sunday, September 15, 2019

The Imaginary Corpse by Tyler Hayes

The Imaginary Corpse by Tyler Hayes

A dinosaur detective in the land of unwanted ideas battles trauma, anxiety, and the first serial killer of imaginary friends.

In a world where Toy Story meets Sin City, a dinosaur detective battles his own trauma and a remorseless serial killer hell-bent on shaking up an already messed-up town.

Tippy the triceratops was once someone’s best friend: a sunshine-yellow toy detective imagined to help make sense of the world. But inescapable tragedy forced Tippy to be set aside – still loved, still Real, but now abandoned. So he found a home in the underbelly of the imagination, a place called the Stillreal. But friends keep disappearing here, and Tippy is left chasing a mysterious figure who can do the impossible – kill an idea. Permanently. With fear and anxiety already ripe on the streets of Playtime Town, Tippy must face his own demons before all that’s left is imaginary corpses.

Introducing a fantasy-noir of an entirely different breed…

An Angry Robot release.

Saturday, September 14, 2019

THE RUIN OF KINGS by Jenn Lyons

"Everything epic fantasy should be: rich, cruel, gorgeous, brilliant, enthralling and deeply, deeply satisfying. I loved it."—Lev Grossman, author ofThe Magicians

When destiny calls, there's no fighting back.

Kihrin grew up in the slums of Quur, a thief and a minstrel's son raised on tales of long-lost princes and magnificent quests. When he is claimed against his will as the missing son of a treasonous prince, Kihrin finds himself at the mercy of his new family's ruthless power plays and political ambitions.

Practically a prisoner, Kihrin discovers that being a long-lost prince is nothing like what the storybooks promised. The storybooks have lied about a lot of other things, too: dragons, demons, gods, prophecies, and how the hero always wins.

Then again, maybe he isn't the hero after all. For Kihrin is not destined to save the world.

He's destined to destroy it.

Jenn Lyons begins the Chorus of Dragons series with The Ruin of Kings, an epic fantasy novel about a man who discovers his fate is tied to the future of an empire.

"It's impossible not to be impressed with the ambition of it all . . . a larger-than-life adventure story about thieves, wizards, assassins and kings to dwell in for a good long while."—The New York Times

A Chorus of Dragons

1: The Ruin of Kings

2: The Name of All Things

JENN LYONS was a graphic artist and illustrator for 20 years and has worked in video games for over a decade. She previously worked on The Saboteur and Lord of the Rings: Conquest at EA Games. She is based out of Atlanta, Georgia. The Ruin of Kings is her first novel.

On sale September 10, 2019 from Tor Books. 9781250175502. $17.99 USD.

Thursday, September 12, 2019

THE DEVIL’S HALF MILE by Paddy Hirsch


The Devil's Half Mile by Paddy Hirsch is a riveting historical thriller debut set in 1799 New York City, perfect for the fans of Gangs of New York and the works of Caleb Carr and Erik Larson.

Seven years after a financial crisis nearly toppled America, traders chafe at government regulations, racial tensions are rising, gangs roam the streets and corrupt financiers make back-door deals with politicians... 1799 was a hell of a year.

Thanks to Alexander Hamilton, America recovered from the panic on the Devil's Half Mile (aka Wall Street), but the young country is still finding its way. When young lawyer Justy Flanagan returns to solve his father's murder, he exposes a massive fraud that has already claimed lives, and one of the perpetrators are determined to keep secret at any cost. The body count is rising, and the looming crisis could topple the nation.

"A thriller with strong, multifaceted heroes and villains, tight plotting which rattles along in a city where you can smell the horse droppings and hear the authentic voices."—Patrick Taylor, New York Times bestselling author of the Irish Country Doctor series

"A superb historical whodunit. ... Effortlessly incorporates the political and economic background of the time."—Publishers Weekly *starred review*

"Fast paced and often violently brutal, this tale should please thriller readers who enjoy a twist of history"—Booklist

"A solid choice for historical fiction buffs and lovers of political plots."—Library Journal

PADDY HIRSCH is an award-winning journalist and online video host who produces the NPR podcast The Indicator from Planet Money. The author of The Devil's Half Mile came to journalism after serving for eight years as an officer in the British Royal Marines, and lives in Los Angeles. He is also the author of a nonfiction book explaining economics, Man vs. Markets.


On sale September 17, 2019 from Forge Books. 9780765399144. $16.99 USD

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Motivational Quotes On the Humorous Side Part 2


Is there such a thing as funny motivational quotes? Of course! I mean, why can’t we have a little fun and be motivated at the same time? Some of the quotes below are pure gold! Here are 20 more short and funny motivational quotes to help brighten your day:

21. “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
22. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett

23. “When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?”” – Sydney Harris

24. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

25. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

26. “Bad decisions make good stories.” – Ellis Vidler

27. “Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.” – Unknown

28. “Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet.” – Unknown

29. “I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” – Louis Agassiz

30. “If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space.” – Unknown

31. “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

32. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison

33. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard

34. “Think like a proton. Always positive.” – Unknown

35. “When I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.” – Barney Stinson

36. “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London

37. “A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” – Unknown

38. “Be happy  –  it drives people crazy.” – Unknown

39. “Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” – Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

40. “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” – Franklin P. Jones

[Source: https://wealthygorilla.com/60-short-funny-motivational-quotes | July 2019 ++]

Sunday, September 8, 2019

Did I read that Right?


 "TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."

 In a Laundromat: Automatic Washing Machines: Please Remove All Your Clothes When the Light Goes Out.

 In a London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs...

 In an office: Would the Person Who Took the Step Ladder Yesterday Please Bring It Back or Further Steps Will Be Taken.

 In an office: After Tea Break, Staff Should Empty the Teapot and Stand Upside Down on the Draining Board.

 Outside a secondhand shop: We Exchange Anything - Bicycles, Washing Machines, Etc. Why Not Bring Your Wife Along And Get A Wonderful Bargain?

 Notice in health food shop window: Closed Due to Illness...

 Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, Please Stay in Your Car.

 Seen during a conference: For Anyone Who Has Children and Doesn't Know it, there Is a Day Care on the 1st Floor.

 Notice in a farmer's field: The Farmer Allows Walkers to Cross the Field for Free, But the Bull Charges.

 Message on a leaflet: If You Cannot Read, This Leaflet Will Tell You How to Get Lessons.

 On a repair shop door: We Can Repair Anything. (Please Knock Hard On The Door - The Bell Doesn't Work.)

Saturday, September 7, 2019

PORT OF SHADOWS by Glen Cook

Glen Cook, the father of Grimdark, returns to the Chronicles of the Black Company with a military fantasy adventure in Port of Shadows.

The soldiers of the Black Company don’t ask questions, they get paid. But being “The Lady’s favored” is attracting the wrong kind of attention and has put a target on their backs--and the Company’s historian, Croaker, has the biggest target of all.

The one person who was taken into The Lady’s Tower and returned unchanged has earned the special interest of the court of sorcerers known as The Ten Who Were Taken. Now, he and the company are being asked to seek the aid of their newest member, Mischievous Rain, to break a rebel army. However, Croaker doesn’t trust any of the Taken, especially not ones that look so much like The Lady and her sister…

The Chronicles of the Black Company

#1 The Chronicles of The Black Company

#2 The Books of the South

#3 The Return of The Black Company

#4 The Many Deaths of the Black Company


"Glen Cook's newest book, Port of Shadow, is is a master class in unreliable narration. " —Jenn Lyons, author of Ruin of Kings

GLEN COOK is the author of dozens of novels of fantasy and science fiction, including The Black Company series, The Garrett Files, and The Tyranny of the Night. Cook was born in 1944 in New York City. He attended the Clarion Writers Workshop in 1970, where he met his wife, Carol. He lives in St. Louis, Missouri.

On sale September 3, 2019 from Tor Books. 9781250174581. $18.99 USD

Friday, September 6, 2019

Just Thinking!


 No one, even the president is above the law. My question is, how come illegals are?

 How much better would life be if liar’s pants really did catch on fire?

 Caution! Floor covered with political promises.

 Imagine breaking into another country and being angry that their detention camps weren’t up to your standards!

 A Mexican cannot vote in Mexico without a valid ID. He must come to America to do that.

 Politicians killed a bill for giving tuition assistance for children of veterans killed in battle, THEN approve giving illegals free tuition.

 If you haven’t risked coming home under a flag, don’t you dare disrespect it.

 Do you really think it’s okay for Iran to have nukes, but not okay for law abiding Americans to have guns?

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Proofreading (a dying art)


 Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter. (Not possible)

 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says. (Really? Ya' think?)

 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers. (Now that's taking things a bit far!)

 Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over. (What a guy!)

 Miners Refuse to Work after Death (No good for nothing' lazy so and so's!)

 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant. (See if that works better than a fair trial!)

 War Dims Hope for Peace. (I can see where it might have that effect!)

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile. (Ya' think?!)

 Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures. (Who would have thought!)

 Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide. (They may be on to something!)

 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges. (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

 Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge. (He probably IS the battery charge!)

 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group. (Weren't they fat enough?!)

 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft. (That's what he gets for eating those beans!)

 Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half. (Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

 Hospitals are sued by 7 Foot Doctors. (Boy, are they tall!)

 And the winner is... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Monday, September 2, 2019

Trump Tax Records


Please forgive the political aspect of this humor, but this is way too funny not to share—and it is about two of our Commanders-in-Chief. Oh, and it was obtained from an AF vet.

Former Press Secretary Sarah Sanders was one of the brightest people in the current administration. She has a very quick wit about her. During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps, "Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?”

Press Secretary Sanders astutely responded, "We've found a very secure place, and I'm certain they won't be found.”

"And just where is that?" asked the reporter sarcastically.

Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said, “They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration. Next question?"

Friday, August 30, 2019

Have you ever thought...

My Thoughts
 I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

 Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 There is a great need for sarcasm font.

 How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 Was learning cursive really necessary?

 Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

 MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my
neighborhood.

 Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

 I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

 Bad decisions make good stories.

 You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that
you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

 Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

 I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this--ever.

 I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire
day. What a waste.

 Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

 As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of
transportation, I always hate cyclists.

 I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time.

 I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with
Miller Lites than Kay.

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Pet Store Monkey

Pet Store Monkey

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant from the local Air Force Base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line-service monkey please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, "That'll be $1,000.00" The Chief paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, a fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them here are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah -- that was a line-service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Air Force aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with zero mistakes. He's well worth the money."

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000.00 price tag. "That one's really expensive! What can it do?"

"Oh, that one is a maintenance supervisor monkey. He can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little more and found another monkey in a cage at the back of the store. The price tag read, $50,000.00. "Holy cow! What does this one do?"

"Well," the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, flirt with the girl monkeys, and play with himself, but his papers say he's a pilot."

Monday, August 26, 2019

On the Humorous Side


On the Humorous Side

Is there such a thing as funny motivational quotes? Of course! I mean, why can’t we have a little fun and be motivated at the same time? Some of the quotes below are pure gold! Here are 60 short and funny motivational quotes to help brighten your day:

1. “When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.” – Unknown

2. “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke

3. “Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is!” – Jeffrey Gitomer

4. “Every tattoo is temporary, because we’re all slowly dying.” – Unknown

5. “I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott

6. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown

7. “It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

8. “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

9. “The best things in life are actually really expensive.” – Unknown

10. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

11. “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” – Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

12. “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” – Unknown

13. “A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” – Mark Twain

14. “Always remember that you are unique  –  just like everybody else.” – Unknown

15. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz

16. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch

17. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

18. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

19. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley

20. “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says “I’m possible!” – Audrey Hepburn

[Source: https://wealthygorilla.com/60-short-funny-motivational-quotes | July 2019 ++]

Saturday, August 24, 2019

Pale Kings by Micah Yongo


Pale Kings by Micah Yongo

When the gods return to claim their world, the Five Realms will fall, in this earth-shaking epic fantasy thriller following on from the author’s seminal debut, Lost Gods

The Sovereignty has been at peace for three centuries, but now the war to end all wars has finally come. The border cities of the Reach are destroyed, others are falling rapidly, and a nameless force lays waste in the north. When Neythan and his friends are led to the Summerlands in search of answers, he is unexpectedly confronted with secrets from his forgotten childhood, long buried beneath past trauma, and linked to the ancient scroll he has always carried. As the mysterious invasion continues, and the supernatural forces responsible are revealed, Neythan must learn the truth that lies in his blood… before it is too late.

Thursday, August 22, 2019

The Heart of the Circle by Keren Landsman


The Heart of the Circle by Keren Landsman

Sorcerers fight for the right to exist and fall in love, in this extraordinary alternate world fantasy thriller by award-winning Israeli author

Throughout human history there have always been sorcerers, once idolised and now exploited for their powers. In Israel, the Sons of Simeon, a group of political extremists, persecute sorcerers while the government turns a blind eye. After a march for equal rights ends in brutal murder, empath, moodifier and reluctant waiter Reed becomes the next target. While his sorcerous and normie friends seek out his future killers, Reed complicates everything by falling hopelessly in love. As the battle for survival grows ever more personal, can Reed protect himself and his friends as the Sons of Simeon close in around them?

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Shrouded Loyalties by Reese Hogan


Shrouded Loyalties by Reese Hogan

A soldier returns home with a dangerous secret from an alternate realm, unaware that she is surrounded by spies and collaborators, in this intense military science fiction novel.

Naval officer Mila Blackwood is determined to keep her country’s most powerful secret – shrouding, the ability to traverse their planet in seconds through an alternate realm – out of enemy hands. But spies are everywhere: her submarine has been infiltrated by a Dhavnak agent, and her teenage brother has been seduced by an enemy soldier. When Blackwood’s submarine is attacked by a monster, she and fellow sailor, Holland, are marked with special abilities, whose manifestations could end the war – but in whose favor? Forced to submit to military scientists in her paranoid and war-torn home, Blackwood soon learns that the only people she can trust might also be the enemy.

Monday, August 19, 2019

Tariff Impact ► Things You Might Buy Before Tariffs Make Them More Expensive


Tariff Impact ► Things You Might Buy Before Tariffs Make Them More Expensive

President Trump's latest tariffs on Chinese goods could make the holiday season — and beyond — much more
expensive. Your budget might feel the impact of the next round of tariffs sooner and more keenly than with previous tariffs. President Trump recently announced that the U.S. plans to levy an additional 10% tax on $300 billion worth of goods imported from China. But unlike previous tariffs, which focused on goods that are parts for the manufacture of other things, the new batch of tariffs falls heavily on finished goods, according to CNN.

This new round of tariffs will kick in on 1 SEP, Trump said. So, while some companies may still successfully plead for exemptions, many household items and holiday gift favorites stand to be hit with new ongoing taxes next month.

Since those additional costs could be passed on to consumers, now is the time to consider stocking up on anything you need that may face fresh tariffs. Here is a look at some of the things that may soon increase in price.

1. Office and school supplies -- Erasers, Scissors, Pencils, Crayons, and Sharpeners.

2. Cellphones -- The proposed list includes telephones for cellular networks as a whole. Prices could rise by 14%, according to a June report compiled for the Consumer Technology Association. That would mean that the average retail price for a cellphone ($492) would increase by nearly $70.

3. Baby products – Diapers, Strollers, Walkers, Playpens, Nursery monitor systems, and Child safety seats.

4. Toys for children and pets alike.. Consumers could soon be paying 30% to 40% more for toys, a toymaker executive recently told The Washington Post.

5. Batteries. Nickel-cadmium, lithium-ion and lead-acid batteries all appear on the list of proposed tariffs.

6. Shoes. With 70% of shoes sold in the U.S. coming from China, the industry is bracing for a hit, CNBC reports. Industry analysis suggests a 10% tariff could bump up the consumer price of popular canvas sneakers from $49.99 to $58.69 and that of running shoes from $150 to $187.50, according to CNBC. More than 170 shoe retailers and brands have asked the Trump administration not to raise tariffs on footwear.

7. Winter clothing – Gloves, Mittens, Scarves, Sweaters, and Coats

8. Laptops and tablets -- Laptop and tablet computer prices could rise by 19%, according to the June report compiled for the CTA. That would mean the average retail price for a laptop ($622) would increase by about $120, and that of a tablet ($264) would increase by $50.

9. Video game consoles -- China accounts for more than 96% of imported video game consoles, and there is very little production in the U.S. As a result, nearly all of the higher cost of tariffs on consoles would be passed on to consumers. The CTA expects prices in the U.S. would rise by 19% which would increase the average retail price for a video game console ($294) by $56.

10. Drones -- The CTA expects the new tariffs on this category of goods to push up prices of toy and “starter” drones by 15% overall, or by $61 for a drone at the average retail price of $404.

11. Cameras -- Digital still image video cameras, old-school instant-print and film cameras, appear on the proposed list of goods facing the new tariffs. Photography accessories and parts are also included.

12. Bedding and other linens -- Bedspreads, blankets, quilts and comforters, Pillows and cushions, Curtains, drapes and valances, Kitchen linens, and Bath linens

13. Dishware -- Many kinds of cutlery, drinking glasses, and porcelain and china tableware all appear on the list.

14. Eyewear – Corrective/non-corrective glasses, sunglasses and contact lenses that originate in China.

15. Watches and clocks -- wristwatches, clocks and alarm clocks.

16. Musical instruments -- a number of categories of musical instruments, ranging from accordions to grand pianos — and their various accessories.

17. Bibles -- “Printed books, brochures, leaflets and similar printed matter,” a wide-ranging category that covers everything from maps and calendars to postcards and greeting cards plus most-sold book, the Bible. As many as 150 million bibles are printed in China each year.

18. Fishing and sports gear -- Fishing rods, hooks and line plus a variety of other sports and outdoors activities, ranging from skis and ice skates to tents and camping goods.

19. Fireworks, signaling flares, matches and other explosives.

20. Home entertainment – TVs.

21. Home improvement – Doors, Blinds, Wallpaper, Ceiling fans, Kitchen appliances such as ovens, stoves and dishwashers, Washing machines and dryers

22. Certain motor vehicles – Motorcycles, Tanks, Snowmobiles, Golf carts

[Source: MoneyTalksNews | Brandon Ballenger | August 9, 2019 ++]

Sunday, August 18, 2019

Ash Kickers by Sean Grigsby


Ash Kickers by Sean Grigsby

It’s dragons vs firefighters vs the Phoenix in the scorching fantasy sequel to Smoke Eaters.

With ex-firefighter Cole Brannigan in command of the Smoke Eaters, the dragon menace is under control. Thanks to non-lethal Canadian tech, the beasts are tranquilized and locked up, rather than killed. But for Tamerica Williams, this job filled with action and danger, has become tediously routine.

When a new threat emerges, a legendary bird of fire – the Phoenix – it’s the perfect task for Williams. But killing the Phoenix just brings it back stronger, spreading fire like a plague and whipping dragons into a frenzy. Will it prove to be too much excitement, even for adrenalin-junkie Williams?

Friday, August 16, 2019

THE DEEP by Nick Cutter, Gallery books, $26.00, reviewed by Jim Brock


Nick Cutter is a pseudonym for Canadian writer Craig Davidson. He also uses the pseudonym Patrick Lestewka. I tell you this because I suspect after reading THE DEEP you will be like me in seeking out other books by “them” – especially THE TROOP, the first Nick Cutter book.

The phrase that kept bouncing around my mind as I read THE DEEP was “sickeningly horrific’. This thing touched on some of my “deepest” fears in every sense of the word. First, the world is beset by a plague called the ‘Gets. This is a scary thing to me because it seems so much more possible than zombies, vampires, and etc. People just start forgetting things and these things go from small to large – eventually forgetting to live.

There is some possible hope to be found from a newly discovered substance called Ambrosia which seems to be a universal healer. Ambrosia has been found in the Mariana Trench, the deepest spot in the Pacific Ocean. Multiple governments and corporations have built a trillion dollar lab at the bottom of the ocean to gather and test Ambrosia. This installation is populated by three scientists, the most brilliant of which is Dr. Clayton Nelson. But now, communication has been lost between the lab and the surface.

Veterinarian Dr. Luke Nelson has been summoned, at his brother’s request, before communication was lost. He must get into a small submersible with a deep sea pilot and go eight miles down (that’s 8 miles down) to the lab at the bottom of the Mariana Trench to see what’s going on. This hits my claustrophobia a gigantic blow that stays and pressures me the entire book.

This only brings us to the miserable and horrible backgrounds of Luke and Clayton and the others and to the secret of Ambrosia’s source and what was really waiting for them at the bottom of the ocean. It becomes clear that the ‘Gets might be the mildest horror in THE DEEP. And don’t ask me about what happens to the dig, L.B. I am still traumatized by that. If you like your horror extra strong, THE DEEP is for you.

Friday, August 9, 2019

So You Think You Know Everything? Part 3


 Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

 TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

 Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

 Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

 Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; Otherwise it will digest itself.

There, now you know (Almost) everything! (According to Virgil).

[Source: Tailwaggers & Jokes | December 17, 2017 ++]

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

So You Think You Know Everything? Part 2


 If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

 It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

 Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

 Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

 No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

 Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and Ears never stop growing.

 Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

 Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

 "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

 The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

 The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of Diesel that it burns.

 The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

 The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

 The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

 The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read Left to right or right to left (palindromes).

 There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

 There are more chickens than people in the world.

 There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

 There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

 There's no Betty Rubble in the "Flintstones Chewables Vitamins".

Monday, August 5, 2019

So You Think You Know Everything?


Did you know the following?


 A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

 A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

 A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue, Google "Crocodiles: Facts & Pictures - Live Science"

 A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

 A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (actually disputed at this time, to "might be 30 Seconds, if not active)

 A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Not sure about the builders measurement of a Poofteenth, (said to be about 1/128th of an inch)

 A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

 A snail can sleep for three years.

 Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

 All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

 Almonds are a member of the peach family.

 An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know a few people like that)

 Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

 Butterflies taste with their feet. (Not standing on that again)

 Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

 "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT".

 February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

 In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

 If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Friday, July 26, 2019

Keep Those Grey Cells Active (02)


Here are the answers. How did you do?

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April.. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name? Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? Answer: None. There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now – Donald Trump [Oh, come on...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if
he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
one.

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Keep Those Grey Cells Active (01)


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What
was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answers tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

God’s Aging Plan


The Truth hurts: Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

 #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

 #8 Life is sexually transmitted.

 #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in
his eyes, make him a sandwich.

 #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

 #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

Liege-Killer: The Graphic Novel by Chris Hinz & Jon Proctor

Liege-Killer: The Graphic Novel by Chris Hinz & Jon Proctor

Christopher Hinz's award-winning novel stunningly reimagined as a graphic novel.

Two hundred years after a nuclear apocalypse forced humanity to flee Earth, humans still remember the planet’s most feared warriors – the Paratwa, genetically modified killers who occupy two bodies controlled by one vicious mind.

The legendary Paratwa named Reemul, known as the Liege-Killer, was the deadliest of them all.

Now someone has revived Reemul from stasis and sent him to terrorize the peaceful orbital colonies of Earth. Is this an isolated incident, or just the opening salvo in a plan to take control of the entire human race?

Friday, July 19, 2019

Coal Miners


At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.

“Because I am the artist who painted the picture,” he replied. “In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

Thursday, July 18, 2019

God of Broken Things by Cameron Johnston

God of Broken Things by Cameron Johnston

An outcast magician must risk his body and mind to save the world from horrifying demons, in the heart-pounding epic fantasy sequel to The Traitor God.

Tyrant magus Edrin Walker destroyed the monster sent by the Skallgrim, but not before it laid waste to Setharis, and infested their magical elite with mind-controlling parasites. Edrin's own Gift to seize the minds of others was cracked by the strain of battle, and he barely survives the interrogation of a captured magus. There’s no time for recovery though: a Skallgrim army is marching on the mountain passes of the Clanhold. Edrin and a coterie of villains race to stop them, but the mountains are filled with gods, daemons, magic, and his hideous past. Walker must stop at nothing to win, even if that means losing his mind. Or worse…

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

The Outside by Ada Hoffmann

The Outside by Ada Hoffmann

Super-intelligent AI Gods rule the galaxy. Their algorithms determine the rewards you reap before and after death. But the Gods give and the Gods take away. And Yasira has never been good at Gods...

Autistic scientist Yasira Shien has developed a radical new energy drive on board The Pride of Jai that could change the future of humanity. But when she activates it, reality warps, destroying the space station and everyone left inside.

The Gods declare her work heretical, and Yasira is abducted by their agents. Instead of simply executing her, they offer mercy − if she’ll help them hunt down a bigger target: her mysterious, vanished mentor.

With her home world's fate in the balance, Yasira must choose who to trust: the Gods and their ruthless post-human angels, or the rebel scientist whose unorthodox mathematics could turn her world, literally, inside out.