Monday, January 11, 2021

Bubba’s tragic demise

Sadly, Bubba was killed in suspicious circumstances in a terrible fire, suffering severe burns that left him completely unrecognizable. 

In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob. 

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?” 

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.” 

“Are you sure?” said the medical examiner. “Yes sir, I’m sure,” Jim-Bob responded, “but you can ask Joe-Bob if you like.” 

So Joe-Bob was brought into the mortuary and shown the body. “Jeez,” said Joe-Bob, “he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?” 

Though puzzled to receive this request once again, the medical examiner dutifully obliged and rolled the body. 

Joe-Bob paused momentarily and then said, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.” 

The medical examiner was mystified by this turn of events. So he asked, “How can you possibly tell that it isn’t Bubba just by rolling him over?” 

“Well sir,” said Joe-Bob, “Bubba had two assholes.” 

“What do you mean, he had two assholes?” exclaimed the medical examiner. 

“Yes sir, everyone knew that around here,” said Joe-Bob. 

“How do you know?” the medical examiner asked. 

To which Joe-Bob responded, “Because every time the three of us walked down Main Street together, you’d hear people say, ‘Here comes Bubba with two assholes’.”

Saturday, January 9, 2021

Voluntary Donations

Jim was driving home from the office one day when he found himself stuck in traffic because all the cars ahead of him had come to a complete standstill on the freeway. 

Nothing was moving at all. Suddenly Jim noticed that there was a police officer walking down the line of traffic and approaching the car in front. 

So Jim got out of his car and asked the police officer why there was a problem. 

“Sir I’m so sorry for the inconvenience but the city’s Mayor is sitting in the middle of the road ahead and he’s in a state of extreme agitation,” said the police officer. “He says he’s deep in debt and he’s threatening to douse his body with gasoline and then set fire to himself,” the police officer added. 

“So what are you doing?” asked Jim. “I’m going from car to car asking for donations,” the police officer responded. 

“And how much have you collected so far?” Jim inquired. 

“Well sir,” said the police officer, “we’ve only just started but drivers ahead have given us fifteen gallons so far, and other drivers are still siphoning as we speak.”

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Fly Southwest!

Little Johnny was looking out of the plane’s window enjoying the experience of his first flight. Deep in thought he suddenly turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?“ 

Well his mother was a little perturbed by this question and she struggled to think of an answer, so she said, “Johnny why don’t you ask the flight attendant?” 

Little Johnny was not a child lacking in confidence, so he walked down the aisle and politely said to the flight attendant, “Excuse me, mam, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?“ 

The flight attendant had heard it all before of course but she smiled sweetly at Johnny and then asked, “Did your mom tell you to ask me that?” 

Little Johnny returned her smile and said, “Yes mam, she did.” 

“Well“, said the flight attendant, “you can tell your mom that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mom to explain that to you.” 

 

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Jokes from an Old Fart

 Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. 

 Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast. 

 Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” 

 Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. 

 A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.” 

 Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage. 

 Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space. 

 Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side. 

 How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it. 

 What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line. 

 What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. 

 Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross. 

 What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks, I’ll never part with it! 

 Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each. 

 What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head. 

 Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away. 

 What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison. 

 What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code. 

 Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.