Friday, July 26, 2019
Here are the answers. How did you do?
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April.. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name? Answer: Johnny, of course.
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat.
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? Answer: None. There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. What was the President's Name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now – Donald Trump [Oh, come on...]
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if
he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
Thursday, July 25, 2019
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What
was the third child's name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.. How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. What was the President's Name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
The Truth hurts: Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in
his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.
Sunday, July 21, 2019
Christopher Hinz's award-winning novel stunningly reimagined as a graphic novel.
Two hundred years after a nuclear apocalypse forced humanity to flee Earth, humans still remember the planet’s most feared warriors – the Paratwa, genetically modified killers who occupy two bodies controlled by one vicious mind.
The legendary Paratwa named Reemul, known as the Liege-Killer, was the deadliest of them all.
Now someone has revived Reemul from stasis and sent him to terrorize the peaceful orbital colonies of Earth. Is this an isolated incident, or just the opening salvo in a plan to take control of the entire human race?
Friday, July 19, 2019
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.
“Because I am the artist who painted the picture,” he replied. “In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”
Thursday, July 18, 2019
An outcast magician must risk his body and mind to save the world from horrifying demons, in the heart-pounding epic fantasy sequel to The Traitor God.
Tyrant magus Edrin Walker destroyed the monster sent by the Skallgrim, but not before it laid waste to Setharis, and infested their magical elite with mind-controlling parasites. Edrin's own Gift to seize the minds of others was cracked by the strain of battle, and he barely survives the interrogation of a captured magus. There’s no time for recovery though: a Skallgrim army is marching on the mountain passes of the Clanhold. Edrin and a coterie of villains race to stop them, but the mountains are filled with gods, daemons, magic, and his hideous past. Walker must stop at nothing to win, even if that means losing his mind. Or worse…
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Super-intelligent AI Gods rule the galaxy. Their algorithms determine the rewards you reap before and after death. But the Gods give and the Gods take away. And Yasira has never been good at Gods...
Autistic scientist Yasira Shien has developed a radical new energy drive on board The Pride of Jai that could change the future of humanity. But when she activates it, reality warps, destroying the space station and everyone left inside.
The Gods declare her work heretical, and Yasira is abducted by their agents. Instead of simply executing her, they offer mercy − if she’ll help them hunt down a bigger target: her mysterious, vanished mentor.
With her home world's fate in the balance, Yasira must choose who to trust: the Gods and their ruthless post-human angels, or the rebel scientist whose unorthodox mathematics could turn her world, literally, inside out.
Sunday, July 14, 2019
It's Dragons vs Firefighters vs the Phoenix.
The scorching fantasy sequel to Smoke Eaters.
With ex-firefighter Cole Brannigan in command of the Smoke Eaters, the dragon menace is under control. Thanks to non-lethal Canadian tech, the beasts are tranquilized and locked up, rather than killed. But for Tamerica Williams, this job filled with action and danger, has become tediously routine.
When a new threat emerges, a legendary bird of fire – the Phoenix – it’s the perfect task for Williams. But killing the Phoenix just brings it back stronger, spreading fire like a plague and whipping dragons into a frenzy. Will it prove to be too much excitement, even for Adrenalin-junkie Williams?
Thursday, July 11, 2019
Have you heard the joke about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.
Have you heard about the Corduroy pillow? It's making HEADLINES!
Have you heard the joke about the blunt pencil? Never mind, there's no point
Have you heard the one about the skunk? It stinks
Have you heard the one about the Vacuum? It sucks
Have you heard the one about the Gravel? It rocks
Have you heard the one about the Fire? It went up in flames
Have you heard the one about the Tree? Its sappy
Have you heard the one about the Cheddar? Its cheesy
Have you heard about the 2 people who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.
Have you heard about the guy who incented lifesavers? They say he made a mint
Have you heard about the kidnapping in school? Its okay. He woke up.
Have you heard about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He passed away.
Have you heard about the guy who cut off the left side of his body? He’s all right now.
Have you heard about what type of shorts clouds wear? Thunderwear
Have you heard about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
Have you heard about the firs at the circus? It was in tents!
Have you heard about the runor regarding peanut butter? You don’t want to spread it.
Have you heard about the black cat who ran up a big phone bill? She called Persian-to-Persian
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a "vasectomy" that could fix the problem but it was pretty expensive.
"A less costly alternative," advised the doctor, "is to go home, get a large cherry bomb [fireworks are legal in Alabama], light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian replied to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help us not have any more kids."
''Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Mississippi, parts of Georgia,
Missouri, West Virginia, and Washington, D.C.
Sunday, July 7, 2019
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’
I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’
My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
Friday, July 5, 2019
It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”
I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.
I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”
I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy—for birth control.
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Money talks ... all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters and Twin Peaks. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?
I can ' t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Tuesday, July 2, 2019
VA Mission Act Update 11 ► Top Questions Answered
On 6 JUN VA implemented changes to community care under the VA MISSION Act. The changes included expanded eligibility for community care and a new urgent care benefit. As part of our outreach and engagement efforts, the VA collected the top questions received from Veterans and provided answers to each one below with the goal of making it easier to access the care you have earned.
General Health Care
When can I receive community care? Eligibility for community care depends on your individual health care needs or circumstances. You should discuss community care eligibility with your VA care team to determine if you are eligible. This video provides a quick overview of Veteran community care.
Can I get dental care through the MISSION Act? Eligibility for dental services has not changed under the MISSION Act. You should talk to your VA care team about eligibility for dental services. Click here for more information about dental care.
How does a community provider know I am eligible to receive community care? If your VA care team has determined that you are eligible for community care and you chose a community provider, VA will send the provider a referral and authorization prior to you receiving care. You must receive approval from VA prior to obtaining care from a community provider in most circumstances.
I was authorized for community care under the Choice program. What happens now? The Choice program expired on June 6, 2019, and specific Choice eligibility for community care is no longer being used. If you were eligible for community care under Choice, you should speak with your VA care team or a VA staff member at your local VA medical facility about updated eligibility for community care. This video also provides a quick primer regarding community care eligibility under the new Veteran community care program.
How do I become eligible for the urgent care benefit? You must be enrolled in VA health care and have received care through VA from either a VA or community provider within the past 24 months to be eligible for the urgent care benefit.
How can I find an urgent care provider? To find an urgent care location in VA’s contracted network, use the VA facility locator at https://www.va.gov/find-locations . Select the link entitled “Find VA approved urgent care locations and pharmacies near you”.
What is the difference between urgent care and emergency care? Urgent care consists of medical services provided for minor illnesses or injuries that are not life-threatening such as strep throat, pink eye, or influenza. Emergency care consists of inpatient or outpatient hospital services that are necessary to prevent death or serious impairment of health such as severe chest pain, seizures or loss of awareness, heavy uncontrollable bleeding, or moderate to severe burns.
Do I have to pay a co-payment if I receive urgent care that relates to my service-connected condition?Copayments for urgent care are different from other VA medical co-payments. Co-payments for urgent care depend on your assigned priority group and the number of times you visit any urgent care provider in a calendar year. Visit the Urgent Care webpage for more information about co-payments.
How do I get prescription medication related to an urgent care visit? VA will pay for or fill prescriptions for urgent care. For urgent care prescription medication longer than a 14-day supply, the prescription must be submitted to VA to be filled. For urgent prescriptions written by an urgent care provider, you can fill a 14-day supply of medication at a contracted pharmacy within the VA network, in VA, or at a non-contracted pharmacy. If a non-contracted pharmacy is used, you must pay for the prescription and then file a claim for reimbursement with your local VA medical facility.
Go to https://www.va.gov/COMMUNITYCARE/pubs/factsheets.asp for more detailed information on community
care and urgent care. [Source: VA News| June 19, 2019 ++]