Monday, February 18, 2019

PADDY


Paddy

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool, steps off and falls flat on his face.

'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat
on his face, 'Oh bloody damn!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of
fresh air. Feeling much better, he takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Be-Jesus... I'm in bloody trouble,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door
and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No bloody way....'

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face. He says 'Damn it!' and crawls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have
a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?'

'Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Saturday, February 16, 2019

EATING IN THE 1950s


Eating In The fifties


 Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.

 Curry was a surname.

 Taco? Never saw one till I was 15.

 Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.

 Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

 All chips were plain.

 Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

 Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

 Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

 Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.

 None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

 Healthy food consisted of anything edible!

 Cooking outside was called camping.

 Seaweed was not a recognized food.
 'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.

 Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

 Prunes were medicinal and stewed.

 Surprisingly Muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.

 Pineapples came in chunks or were round with a hole in the middle, in a tin; We had only ever seen a picture
of a real one.

 Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they
would have become a laughing stock.

 There were three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties ...Elbows, hats and cell phones!
...and there was always two choices for each meal..."Take it" or "Leave it"

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

What’s Your Handicap?

What’s Your Handicap?

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16,"said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.

The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonoussnake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5. "Good to avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ballwent straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The businessman continued to play bogeying every hole until he came to the 17th hole which was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water.

To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy withthe rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously."I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."

And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap!

Monday, February 11, 2019

Questions and Answers


Q.If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A.One thousand

Q.What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A.All wereinvented by women.

Q.What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A.Honey

Q.Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A.Father's Day

Q. How do you know you are living in 2019?
A.When:
You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile -:

You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Stuff You Didn't Know You Didn't Know


Stuff You Didn't Know You Didn't Know

In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

t is impossible to lick your elbow. ?? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400

The average number of people airborne over the US in any given hour: 61,000 ??

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades-King David, Hearts -Charlemagne, Clubs-Alexander the Great, Diamonds-Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

Thursday, February 7, 2019

Did You know?



If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence e on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace

Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...' Goodnight, sleep tight'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, the ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Believe it or not, you can read this: I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

The Fall of Io by Wesley Chu


The Fall of Io
by Wesley Chu

The superb aliens-in-your-head SF sequel to the wildly popular The Rise of Io, by the author of The Lives of Tao series

When Ella Patel’s mind was invaded by the Quasing alien, Io, she was dragged into the raging Prophus versus Genjix war. Despite her reservations, and Io’s incompetence, the Prophus were determined to train her as an agent. It didn’t go well.

Expelled after just two years, Ella happily returned to con artistry, and bank robberies. But the Quasing war isn’t done with them yet. The Genjix’s plan to contact their home world has reached a critical stage, threatening all life on Earth. To complete the project they need Io’s knowledge – and he’s in Ella’s head – so now they’re both being hunted, again.

Sunday, February 3, 2019

The Outlaw & the Upstart King by Rod Duncan


The Outlaw & the Upstart King by Rod Duncan

Elizabeth Barnabus returns, to uncover the secrets and mysteries of the Gas-Lit Empire, in the startling sequel to The Queen of All Crows.

As it is inked, so shall your oaths and bindings be.

Tattoos are the only law on the Island of the Free, and there can never be a king. Every clan agrees on that. But a returning exile has smuggled something across the water that could send the old ways up in flames.

Elias wants revenge on the men who severed his oaths and made him an outlaw. But, if his wealth and honour are to be restored, he’ll need help from the most unlikely quarter – a mysterious woman, landed unwontedly on Newfoundland’s rocky shore.

Friday, February 1, 2019

Gates of the Dead by James A Moore

Gates of the Dead by James A Moore

The end times have come, but it’s not too late for a hero to strike back, in the grim dark fantasy sequel to The Last Sacrifice and Fallen Gods.

Brogan McTyre started a war with the gods, and he’s going to end it. Raging gods have laid waste to the Five Kingdoms. Only Torema remains, swollen with millions of refugees.

Their last hope lies in fleeing by sea, but as storms tear at the coast, even King Opar can’t muster enough ships for them all. Brogan and his warriors must fight the He-Kisshi to reach the Gateway, the sole portal for gods to enter the mortal world – and the only place where they can be killed. But the forces of creation have been unleashed, and they’ll destroy the world to reshape it.