Tuesday, July 23, 2019

God’s Aging Plan

The Truth hurts: Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

 #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

 #8 Life is sexually transmitted.

 #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in
his eyes, make him a sandwich.

 #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

 #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

Liege-Killer: The Graphic Novel by Chris Hinz & Jon Proctor

Liege-Killer: The Graphic Novel by Chris Hinz & Jon Proctor

Christopher Hinz's award-winning novel stunningly reimagined as a graphic novel.

Two hundred years after a nuclear apocalypse forced humanity to flee Earth, humans still remember the planet’s most feared warriors – the Paratwa, genetically modified killers who occupy two bodies controlled by one vicious mind.

The legendary Paratwa named Reemul, known as the Liege-Killer, was the deadliest of them all.

Now someone has revived Reemul from stasis and sent him to terrorize the peaceful orbital colonies of Earth. Is this an isolated incident, or just the opening salvo in a plan to take control of the entire human race?

Friday, July 19, 2019

Coal Miners

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.

“Because I am the artist who painted the picture,” he replied. “In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

Thursday, July 18, 2019

God of Broken Things by Cameron Johnston

God of Broken Things by Cameron Johnston

An outcast magician must risk his body and mind to save the world from horrifying demons, in the heart-pounding epic fantasy sequel to The Traitor God.

Tyrant magus Edrin Walker destroyed the monster sent by the Skallgrim, but not before it laid waste to Setharis, and infested their magical elite with mind-controlling parasites. Edrin's own Gift to seize the minds of others was cracked by the strain of battle, and he barely survives the interrogation of a captured magus. There’s no time for recovery though: a Skallgrim army is marching on the mountain passes of the Clanhold. Edrin and a coterie of villains race to stop them, but the mountains are filled with gods, daemons, magic, and his hideous past. Walker must stop at nothing to win, even if that means losing his mind. Or worse…

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

The Outside by Ada Hoffmann

The Outside by Ada Hoffmann

Super-intelligent AI Gods rule the galaxy. Their algorithms determine the rewards you reap before and after death. But the Gods give and the Gods take away. And Yasira has never been good at Gods...

Autistic scientist Yasira Shien has developed a radical new energy drive on board The Pride of Jai that could change the future of humanity. But when she activates it, reality warps, destroying the space station and everyone left inside.

The Gods declare her work heretical, and Yasira is abducted by their agents. Instead of simply executing her, they offer mercy − if she’ll help them hunt down a bigger target: her mysterious, vanished mentor.

With her home world's fate in the balance, Yasira must choose who to trust: the Gods and their ruthless post-human angels, or the rebel scientist whose unorthodox mathematics could turn her world, literally, inside out.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Ash Kickers by Sean Grigsby

Ash Kickers by Sean Grigsby

It's Dragons vs Firefighters vs the Phoenix.

The scorching fantasy sequel to Smoke Eaters.

With ex-firefighter Cole Brannigan in command of the Smoke Eaters, the dragon menace is under control. Thanks to non-lethal Canadian tech, the beasts are tranquilized and locked up, rather than killed. But for Tamerica Williams, this job filled with action and danger, has become tediously routine.

When a new threat emerges, a legendary bird of fire – the Phoenix – it’s the perfect task for Williams. But killing the Phoenix just brings it back stronger, spreading fire like a plague and whipping dragons into a frenzy. Will it prove to be too much excitement, even for Adrenalin-junkie Williams?

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Have You Heard...

Have you heard the joke about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.

Have you heard about the Corduroy pillow? It's making HEADLINES!

Have you heard the joke about the blunt pencil? Never mind, there's no point

Have you heard the one about the skunk? It stinks

Have you heard the one about the Vacuum? It sucks

Have you heard the one about the Gravel? It rocks

Have you heard the one about the Fire? It went up in flames

Have you heard the one about the Tree? Its sappy

Have you heard the one about the Cheddar? Its cheesy

Have you heard about the 2 people who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.

Have you heard about the guy who incented lifesavers? They say he made a mint

Have you heard about the kidnapping in school? Its okay. He woke up.

Have you heard about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He passed away.

Have you heard about the guy who cut off the left side of his body? He’s all right now.

Have you heard about what type of shorts clouds wear? Thunderwear

Have you heard about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.

Have you heard about the firs at the circus? It was in tents!

Have you heard about the runor regarding peanut butter? You don’t want to spread it.

Have you heard about the black cat who ran up a big phone bill? She called Persian-to-Persian