Monday, July 6, 2020

Military Life Then (1945) & Now (2020)


1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2020 - Everyone has an internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945 - We painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2020 - They put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - Your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive.
2020 - She is in the same trench praying your condom worked.

1945 - If you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
2020 - If you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

1945 - You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2020 - You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.

1945 - Canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2020 - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.

1945 - Officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
2020 - Officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945 - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
2020 - They collect your pee and analyze it.

1945 - If you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up.
2020 - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945 - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2020 - Medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.

1945 - You slept in barracks like a soldier.
2020 - You sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.

1945 - You ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted.
2020 - You eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much.

1945 - We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
2020 - We come up short against Iraq and Afghanistan.

1945 - If you wanted to relax, you went to the rec center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
2020 - You go to the community center, and you can play pool.

1945 - If you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
2020 - The beer will cost you $2.75, membership is required, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - The Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money and accepted returned merchandise.
2020 - You can get better and cheaper merchandise at Walmart. But don’t try to return anything until after the pandemic is over.

1945 - We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
2020 - We are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945 - We called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
2020 - We call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.

1945 - Victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
2020 - We haven’t a clue as to what victory is or what it takes to achieve it.

1945 - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2020 - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - Wars were planned and run by generals who knew how to fight and win.
2020 - Wars are planned by politicians who haven’t a clue about fighting or winning.

1945 - We were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning.
2020 - We don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs and political correctness. Now our real enemy is global
warming and politics.

1945 - All you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2020 - All you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

FAIR USE NOTICE: This newsletter may contain copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically
authorized by the copyright owner. The Editor/Publisher of the Bulletin at times includes such material in an effort to advance
reader’s understanding of veterans' and other issues. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for
in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, the material in this newsletter is
distributed without profit to those who have expressed an interest in receiving the included information for educating themselves
on veteran issues so they can better communicate with their legislators on issues affecting them.

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Stolen from FaceBook, Creator Unknown


Dear Diary 2020 Edition,

In January, Australia caught on fire. I don’t even know if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran. We might actually still be almost at war with them. I don’t know, because Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards show and everyone flipped the f--- out, but then there was thing happening in China, then Prince Harry and Megan peaced out of the Royal family, and there was the whole impeachment trial, and then corona virus showed up in the US “officially,” but then Kobe died and UK peaced out of the European Union.

In February, Iowa crapped itself with the caucus results and the president was acquitted and the Speaker of the House took ten years to rip up a speech, but then WHO decided to give this virus a name COVID-19, which confused some really important people in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty, and Americans started asking if Corona beer was safe to drink, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor who just knew the flu like killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18.

In March, shit hit the fan. Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust, but then Italy shut its whole ass down, and then COVID Not 1 through 18 officially become what everyone already realized, a pandemic and then a nationwide state of emergency was declared in US, but it didn’t really change anything, so everyone was confused or thought it was still just a flu, but then COVID Not 18 was like ya’ll not taking me seriously? I’m gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves and totally infected Tom Hanks, but then the DOW took a shit on itself, and most of us still don’t understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing (I still don’t), but then we were all introduced to Tiger King. (Carol totally killed her husband), and Netflix was like you’re welcome, and we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross.

In April, Bernie finally busted himself out of the presidential race, but then NYC became the set of The Walking Dead and we learned that no one has face masks, ventilators, or toilet paper, or THE FREAKING SWIFER WET JET LIQUID, but then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life… or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, it’s only April….

In May, the biblical end times kicked off historical locust swarms and then we learned of murder hornets and realized that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games but people forgot to let us know, but then people legit protested lockdown measures with AR-15s, and then sports events were cancelled everywhere. But then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were protests in every city, but then people forgot about the pandemic called COVID Not One Through 18. Media struggled with how to focus on two important things at once, but then people in general struggle to focus on more than one important thing, and a dead whale was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest after monkeys stole COVID 1 Through 19 from a lab and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one is keeping track of time now) that a giant asteroid narrowly missed Earth.

In June, science and common sense just got thrown straight out the window and somehow wearing masks became a political thing, but then a whole lot of people realized the south was actually the most unpatriotic thing ever and actually lost the civil war, and there are a large amount of people who feel that statues they don’t even know the name of are needed for … history reasons..... but then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, but then decided that not wearing a mask was somehow a God given right (still haven't found that part in the bible or even in the constitution), but then scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT, but then everyone took a pause to realize that people actually believed Gone With The Wind was like non-fiction, but then it was also announced that there is a strange radio single coming from somewhere in the universe that repeats itself every so many days, and everyone was like DON’T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH IT, but then America reopened from the shut down that actually wasn’t even a shut down, and so far, things have gone spectacularly not that great, but everyone is on Facebook arguing that masks kill because no one knows how breathing works, but then Florida was like hold my beer and let me show you how we’re number one in all things, including new Not Corona Beer Corona Virus. Trump decides now is a good time to ask the Supreme Court to shut down Obama Care because what better time to do so than in the middle of a pandemic, but then we learned there was a massive dust cloud coming straight at us from the Sahara Desert, which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the ghost mummy thing is most likely in that dust cloud, but then I learned of meth-gators, and I'm like that is so not on my f-ing 2020 Bingo card, but then we learned that the Congo's worse ever Ebola outbreak is over, and we were all like, there was an Ebola outbreak that was the worse ever?

In July…. Aliens? Zeus? Asteroids? Artificial Intelligence becomes self aware?

Thanks to whoever started this and I have no idea who wrote this; and damn it, I want to know.

Also, why didn't I know about the whale in the Amazon?

I really want this to pop back up in the memories a few years from now.

Definitions


ADULT - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR - A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS - The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF - Cold Storage.

INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS - A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

RAISIN - A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET - A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW - One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES - Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

OLD - I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having
it catered?"
. . . and that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!

FAIR USE NOTICE: This newsletter may contain copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically
authorized by the copyright owner. The Editor/Publisher of the Bulletin at times includes such material in an effort to advance
reader’s understanding of veterans' and other issues. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for
in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, the material in this newsletter is
distributed without profit to those who have expressed an interest in receiving the included information for educating themselves
on veteran issues so they can better communicate with their legislators on issues affecting them.

Thursday, July 2, 2020

Remember the Real America

Some things have changed in my 72 years on this Earth.
Remember the Real America

When riots were unthinkable
When you left front doors open
When socialism was a dirty word
When ghettos were neighborhoods
When the Flag was a sacred symbol
When criminals actually went to jail
When you weren't afraid to go out at night
When taxes were only a necessary nuisance
When a boy was a boy and dressed like one
When a girl was a girl and dressed like one
When the poor were to proud to take charity
When the clergy and repairmen tried to please you
When college kids swallowed goldfish, not acid
When songs had a tune, and the words made sense
When young fellows tried to join the Army or Navy
When people knew what the Fourth of July stood for.
When you never dreamed our country could ever lose
When a Sunday drive was a pleasant trip, not an ordeal.
When you bragged about your hometown and home state.
When everybody didn't feel entitled to a college education.
When people expected less and value what had more.
When politicians proclaimed their patriotism and meant it.
When everybody knew the difference between right and wrong.
When things weren't perfect - but you never expected them to be.
When you weren't made to feel guilty for enjoying dialect comedy.
When our Government stood up for Americans, anywhere in the world.
When you knew that the law would be enforced and your safety protected.
When you considered yourself lucky to have a good job, and proud to have it.
When the law meant justice, and you felt a shiver of awe at the sight of a policeman.
When you weren't embarrassed to say that this is the best country in the world.
When America was a land filled with brave, proud, confident, hardworking people!

FAIR USE NOTICE: This newsletter may contain copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically
authorized by the copyright owner. The Editor/Publisher of the Bulletin at times includes such material in an effort to advance
reader’s understanding of veterans' and other issues. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for
in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, the material in this newsletter is
distributed without profit to those who have expressed an interest in receiving the included information for educating themselves
on veteran issues so they can better communicate with their legislators on issues affecting them.

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!”

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?

She replies, "Only when he's been drinking."

Monday, May 25, 2020

Earth Corners


Today's Short Reading from the Bible...


From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!