Groaners, Part 1

 Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league
records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great
possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went
to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, ‘I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.’ ‘But I paid a million dinars for it,’ the King protested. ‘Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!’ Croesus replied, ‘When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.’

 A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted ‘Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!’ The doctor calmly
responded, ‘Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.’

 A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since
they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so
bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, ‘He who has a Tates is lost!’

 A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, ‘We have absolutely nothing to go on.’