The Love Dress

A mother-in-law stopped by expectantly at her newly married son’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,totally naked.

"What are you doing?” She asked. 

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered. 

“But you're naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed. 

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained. 

“Love dress? But you're naked!” she says. 

“Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked. “What are you doing?” he asked. 

“This is my love dress” she replied. Needs ironing” he says. “What’s for dinner?"

The Hotel Room is How Much?

A 70-year old woman chose to remain overnight at a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday. 

 The following morning she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager. 

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel “has an Olympic-sized swimming pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.“

But I didn’t use them,” the old women said. 

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he said. The manger proceeded with that she could have likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said. 

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said. 

The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.” 

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn't use it!” 

The manger then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay. 

He manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. “But madam, this check is only for $50.00,” he said. 

That is right. I charge $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied. 

"But I didn’t" the manager shouted. 

“Well, too bad. I was here and you could have.”

Doctor Bumbutu

A flat chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge breasts without surgery. 

So she decided to go see Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her. Dr. Bumbutu advised her, “Every day after you shower, rub your chest and chant, “Scooby doobie doobies. I want a bigger chest”. 

She did this faithfully for several months and to her utter amazement she grew to a terrific D-cup rack.

One morning when she was running late, she got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her progress if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, “Scooby doobie doobies. I want bigger chest”. 

 A guy sitting nearby looked at her and said, “Are you a patient of Dr. Bumbutu?” 

She responded, “Yes I am ... how did you know?” He winked and whispered, “Hickory dickery dock ..."

Overheard in a Line at The Pearly Gates

 A pastor dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a fellow who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter addresses him, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’  

The fellow replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired pilot from Houston.’ Saint Peter consults his list. 

He smiles and say to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom. The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it’s the pastors turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am The Bob, Pastor for the last 43 years.’  

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to The Bob, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ 

 ‘Just a minute,’ says The Bob. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?’ 

 ‘Up here –we go by results,’ say Saint Peter. ‘When you preached –people slept. When he flew, people prayed.’

A Post Office Job Interview

 A vet goes into the U.S. Postal service to apply for a job. 

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” 

 He replies, “Caffeine. I can’ drink coffee.”  

"Okay. Have you been in in the military service?"

He says. “Yes. I was in Afghanistan for one tour.” 

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” 

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” 

The vet says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”  

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies you more extra bonus points. Okay.” 

"Looking at the regulations you have enough points for me to hire you tight now. Our normal working hours are 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM."

 The vet is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here till 10:00 AM?”

 “This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

Their 30th Anniversary

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand, and said, “Beth, soon we will be married for 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all these 30 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?” 

Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times these 30 years, but always for a good reason.” 

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by good reasons?” 

Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t’ pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended. Well I did what I had to do.” 

 Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” 

Beth answered, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?” Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge. I did what I had to do.” 

 “I recall that”, he said. “And you did it to save my life so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

 “All right, Beth said. “So do you remember when you ran for President of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Our Tenth Anniversary

 

 A husband, for their 10 year anniversary, bought his wife a map of the world. He wrapped it up in a box and attached a card. On the card it said, “Throw this dart at this map and wherever it lands is where I am taking you”.  

He’d been saving up money for close to 2 years now because they had never been on a honeymoon. He then put a dart in his wife’s hand. She was so excited and nervous. She said I hope it lands on Ireland. She finally threw the dart.  

He was happy to announce this October they will be spending 2 wonderful weeks beside the baseboard in the kitchen.

Corny Jokes (2)

21. How do you tell if a vampire is sick? See if he is coffin. 

22. What do you call fake spaghetti? An im-pasta. 

23. Why did the farmer win an award? He was outstanding in his             field. 

24. When do computers overheat? When they need to vent. 

25. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs. 

26. Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long? Because then it would be     a foot. 

27. What do you call a factory that sells good products? A satis-            factory. 

28. What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes. 

29. What do you call a fish without eyes? Fsh. 

30. How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes. 

31. What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?                 Ketchup. 

32. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. 

33. How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card. 

34. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi. 

35. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? If it had four             doors it would be called a chicken sedan. 

36. Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? It’s making                     headlines! 

37. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships. 

38. What was the frog’s job at the hotel? Bellhop. 

39. What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs. 

40. Why did the photo go to jail? Because it was framed.

Military Humor 17

1. What’s the difference between a PFC and a 2nd Lieutenant? The PFC has been promoted twice. 

2. Son: Dad, what was your favorite day as a soldier? Dad: The first time I sent some private to find batteries for the chemical lights. 

3. What do you call a 2nd Lieutenant surrounded by PFCs? Lost. 128 

4. A General radios a Colonel. “Got any smart Majors?” “Quite a few! Why?” “Can you send some over? I need to move around some furniture.” 

5. What does ARMY stand for? Air (Force) Rejected Me Yesterday 

6. What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army officer? A flat major. 

7. Did you hear about the accident on base? A tank ran over a box of popcorn and killed two kernels. 

8. Army rules: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn’t move, pick it up. If you can’t pick it up, paint it. 

9. What’s the best job for babies in the Army? The Infantry