Military Humor

1. How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb? 

One. He just holds it while the world revolves around him. 

2. How do you play Air Force Bingo? 

“A-10… B-52… F-16!”

3. What’s the difference between God and an Air Force pilot? 

God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.

4. Emergency management: “Always remember that if one engine fails on a dual-engine plane, you’ll still have enough power to safely reach the scene of the crash.” 

5. Air Force Fact: The only time you can have too much fuel is when you’re on fire. 

6. An Airman and a Marine walk into the restroom at the same time. 

The Airman finishes up and heads out. 

When the Marine is finished, he washes his hands and then catches up to the Airman. 

“Hey, buddy. In the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.

” The airman responds, “In the Air Force, they teach us not to pee on our hands.” 

7. What do pilots and air traffic controllers have in common? If pilots screw up, they die. If air traffic controllers screw up, pilots also die. 

8. It’s 1955 at a SAC B-36 base and an F-86 pilot is requesting landing instructions. 

He is low on fuel and asks for priority. 

The tower tells him he is second in line behind a B-36 with an engine out. 

The Jet pilot’s response, “Ahh, the dreaded 9 engine landing.” 

9. How do you know when your date with a fighter pilot is half over? He says, “Enough about me. Want to hear about my plane?” 

10. An F-16 comes careening down the runway. It’s anything but smooth — fishtailing and leaving a line of burnt rubber and sparks behind it. 

Tower: “Need any assistance, Airman?” 

Pilot: “I don’t know, Tower, we’re not done crashing yet!”

Humorous stories

Teacher: Why are you late? 

Student: There was that old man who lost a hundred dollar bill… 

Teacher: Were you helping him to search for it? How nice of you.

Student: Actually I was sitting on it, waiting for him to give up searching and leave.

When I was single, I kept praying to find a good husband until I found my husband. My husband never prayed to have a good wide, so he got me.

Q. If your wife is shouting at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door, who should you let in first?

 A. The dog of course. At least he will be quiet after you let him in.

Husband calls his wife. She picks up and angrily says: - “I told you I’ll be back in 5 minutes, so stop calling me every half hour”.

At the expensive restaurant: 

Guy: - “So lets go to my place next”. 

Girl: - “Do you really think that you can go to bed with me, just for taking me out to a fancy dinner and a couple of drinks in a fancy restaurant?” 

Guy: - “Oh what are u talking about? I wouldn’t even think about this. Would you please give us two separate bills?

He told her: - I’m not rich, and I have no fancy cars, and I don’t own a company, and I don’t have a big house like my friend John, but I truly love you”. 

She got touched, she hugged him very tight, started crying and whispered to him – “If you really love me, then introduce me to your friend John”.

Wife calls her husband and tells him: - The car doesn’t start. Maye there’s water in the engine”. 

Husband asks: - “Since when do you know about cars and mechanics? Where is it now?

Wife replies: - “It parked at the bottom of the lake”.

Wife: - “I’m so happy. I was at the doctor rand he told me that, for a 40-year-old woman, I still have the breasts of an 18-year-old girl” 

Husband: - “And what did he say about your 40-year-old ass?” 

Wife: - “We didn’t really get the chance to talk about you during our conversation”.

A man went to a shop to buy a gift for his daughter. 

He asked the shop assistant: - “How much does a Barbie doll cost?” 

The shop assistant replied: - “Barbie Goes to the Gym costs $10, Barbie Goes Shopping costs $10, Barbie Goes to the Beach costs $10, Barbie Goes Skiing costs $10, and Divorced Barbie cost $200” 

Surprised the man asked: - “Why does Divorced Barbie cost $200 when all the other ones just cost $10?” 

The shop assistant replied: - “That’s because Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car and Ken’s boat”. 

Bubba’s tragic demise

Sadly, Bubba was killed in suspicious circumstances in a terrible fire, suffering severe burns that left him completely unrecognizable. 

In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob. 

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?” 

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.” 

“Are you sure?” said the medical examiner. “Yes sir, I’m sure,” Jim-Bob responded, “but you can ask Joe-Bob if you like.” 

So Joe-Bob was brought into the mortuary and shown the body. “Jeez,” said Joe-Bob, “he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?” 

Though puzzled to receive this request once again, the medical examiner dutifully obliged and rolled the body. 

Joe-Bob paused momentarily and then said, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.” 

The medical examiner was mystified by this turn of events. So he asked, “How can you possibly tell that it isn’t Bubba just by rolling him over?” 

“Well sir,” said Joe-Bob, “Bubba had two assholes.” 

“What do you mean, he had two assholes?” exclaimed the medical examiner. 

“Yes sir, everyone knew that around here,” said Joe-Bob. 

“How do you know?” the medical examiner asked. 

To which Joe-Bob responded, “Because every time the three of us walked down Main Street together, you’d hear people say, ‘Here comes Bubba with two assholes’.”

Voluntary Donations

Jim was driving home from the office one day when he found himself stuck in traffic because all the cars ahead of him had come to a complete standstill on the freeway. 

Nothing was moving at all. Suddenly Jim noticed that there was a police officer walking down the line of traffic and approaching the car in front. 

So Jim got out of his car and asked the police officer why there was a problem. 

“Sir I’m so sorry for the inconvenience but the city’s Mayor is sitting in the middle of the road ahead and he’s in a state of extreme agitation,” said the police officer. “He says he’s deep in debt and he’s threatening to douse his body with gasoline and then set fire to himself,” the police officer added. 

“So what are you doing?” asked Jim. “I’m going from car to car asking for donations,” the police officer responded. 

“And how much have you collected so far?” Jim inquired. 

“Well sir,” said the police officer, “we’ve only just started but drivers ahead have given us fifteen gallons so far, and other drivers are still siphoning as we speak.”

Fly Southwest!

Little Johnny was looking out of the plane’s window enjoying the experience of his first flight. Deep in thought he suddenly turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?“ 

Well his mother was a little perturbed by this question and she struggled to think of an answer, so she said, “Johnny why don’t you ask the flight attendant?” 

Little Johnny was not a child lacking in confidence, so he walked down the aisle and politely said to the flight attendant, “Excuse me, mam, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?“ 

The flight attendant had heard it all before of course but she smiled sweetly at Johnny and then asked, “Did your mom tell you to ask me that?” 

Little Johnny returned her smile and said, “Yes mam, she did.” 

“Well“, said the flight attendant, “you can tell your mom that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mom to explain that to you.” 

 

Jokes from an Old Fart

 Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. 

 Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast. 

 Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” 

 Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. 

 A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.” 

 Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage. 

 Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space. 

 Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side. 

 How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it. 

 What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line. 

 What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. 

 Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross. 

 What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks, I’ll never part with it! 

 Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each. 

 What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head. 

 Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away. 

 What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison. 

 What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code. 

 Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.