Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!”

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?

She replies, "Only when he's been drinking."

Earth Corners

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

Marriage 10 Commandments

 Commandment 1 - Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

 Commandment 2 - If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in
your sleep.

 Commandment 3 - Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!

 Commandment 4 - Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens -- in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens--and in the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.

 Commandment 5 - When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either
the car is new or the wife is.

 Commandment 6 - Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to
decide which one.

 Commandment 7 - Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

 Commandment 8 - Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

 Commandment 9 - Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like
toxic waste.

 Commandment 10 - A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Ambidextrous

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? "

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no-one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men ask her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

State Fair Exhibit

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’.

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year.’

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’.

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.’

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, ‘That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.”

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery

Retirement Destination Guide

As we get older, some of us are thinking about retiring, so I've looked around to see what might be available to us.

Retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your bottom from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR You can retire to the Deep South where....
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR You can retire to Colorado where....
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people

Muslim Terrorists Suicides

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's have a look at the evidence:

 No Christmas

 No television

 No nude women

 No football

 No pork chops

 No nude women

 No hot dogs

 No burgers

 No nude women

 No beer

 No bacon

 No nude women

 Rags for clothes

 Towels for hats

 Constant wailing from some guy in a tower

 More than one wife

 More than one mother in law

 You can't shave

 Your wife can't shave

 You can't wash off the smell of donkey

 You cook over burning camel dung

 Your wife is picked by someone else for you and smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better. Well no sh*t Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse

WORDS HAVE MORE THAN ONE MEANING

1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.

2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

8. It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

9. So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.

10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.

18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.

23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

SORRY, I COULDN'T RESIST