Military Humor

 “If the enemy is in range, so are you” - Infantry Journal.

 “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed” - U.S. Air Force Manual.

 Whoever said, “The pen is mightier than the sword”, obviously never encountered automatic weapons fire -
General Douglas MacArthur.

 “You, you and you panic. The rest of you, come with me” - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant.

 “Tracers work both ways” - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual.

 “Five second fuses only last three seconds” - Infantry Journal

 “The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the browser, Runway behind you and Air above you” - Basic Flight Training Manual.

 “Any ship can be a mine sweeper. Once” - Maritime Ops Manual.

 “Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do” - Unknown Marine Recruit.

 “If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him” - USAF Ammo Troop.

 “Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing” - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops.

 “You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3” - Paul F. Crickmore, SR71 Test Pilot.

 “The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire” - Unknown Author.

 “If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter and therefore it is unsafe” - Fixed Wing Pilot.

Employment

A Navy Chief retired from a long successful career, but became bored. He decided to accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at the local home improvement store.

After landing his new job as a greeter, a good find for many retirees, he lasted less than a day. Here is his story...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, "Good morning and welcome." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling at the children just long enough to say to me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's only 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just @#$%^!* stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe anyone in their right mind would have sex with you twice! Have a good day and thank you for shopping with us."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Golf Ball & Putter

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a putter.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your putter and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.’

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and putter dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now

Shrouded Loyalties by Reese Hogan

Shrouded Loyalties by Reese Hogan

A soldier returns home with a dangerous secret from an alternate realm, unaware that she is surrounded by spies and collaborators, in this intense military science fiction novel.

Naval officer Mila Blackwood is determined to keep her country’s most powerful secret – shrouding, the ability to traverse their planet in seconds through an alternate realm – out of enemy hands.

But spies are everywhere: her submarine has been infiltrated by a Dhavnak agent, and her teenage brother has been seduced by an enemy soldier. When Blackwood’s submarine is attacked by a monster, she and fellow sailor, Holland, are marked with special abilities, whose manifestations could end the war – but in whose favor?

Forced to submit to military scientists in her paranoid and war-torn home, Blackwood soon learns that the only people she can trust might also be the enemy.

An Angry Robot release.

Pale Kings by Micah Yongo

Pale Kings by Micah Yongo

When the gods return to claim their world, the Five Realms will fall, in this earth-shaking epic fantasy thriller following on from the author’s seminal debut, Lost Gods

The Sovereignty has been at peace for three centuries, but now the war to end all wars has finally come. The border cities of the Reach are destroyed, others are falling rapidly, and a nameless force lays waste in the north.

When Neythan and his friends are led to the Summerlands in search of answers, he is unexpectedly confronted with secrets from his forgotten childhood, long buried beneath past trauma, and linked to the ancient scroll he has always carried.

As the mysterious invasion continues, and the supernatural forces responsible are revealed, Neythan must learn the truth that lies in his blood… before it is too late.

An Angry Robot release.

The Heart of the Circle by Keren Landsman

The Heart of the Circle by Keren Landsman

Sorcerers fight for the right to exist and fall in love, in this extraordinary alternate world fantasy thriller by award-winning Israeli author

Throughout human history there have always been sorcerers, once idolised and now exploited for their powers. In Israel, the Sons of Simeon, a group of political extremists, persecute sorcerers while the government turns a blind eye. After a march for equal rights ends in brutal murder, empath, moodifier and reluctant waiter Reed becomes the next target. While his sorcerous and normie friends seek out his future killers, Reed complicates everything by falling hopelessly in love. As the battle for survival grows ever more personal, can Reed protect himself and his friends as the Sons of Simeon close in around them?

An Angry Robot release.

The Resurrectionist of Caligo by Wendy Trimboli & Alicia Zaloga

The Resurrectionist of Caligo by Wendy Trimboli & Alicia Zaloga

With a murderer on the loose, it’s up to an enlightened bodysnatcher and a rebellious princess to save the city, in this wonderfully inventive Victorian-tinged fantasy noir.

“Man of Science” Roger Weathersby scrapes out a risky living digging up corpses for medical schools. When he’s framed for the murder of one of his cadavers, he’s forced to trust in the superstitions he’s always rejected: his former friend, princess Sibylla, offers to commute Roger’s execution in a blood magic ritual which will bind him to her forever. With little choice, he finds himself indentured to Sibylla and propelled into an investigation. There’s a murderer loose in the city of Caligo, and the duo must navigate science and sorcery, palace intrigue and dank boneyards to catch the butcher before the killings tear their whole country apart.

An Angry Robot release.

THE MONSTER BARU CORMORANT by Seth Dickinson

A breathtaking geopolitical epic fantasy, The Monster Baru Cormorant is the sequel to Seth Dickinson's "fascinating tale" (The Washington Post), The Traitor Baru Cormorant.

Her world was shattered by the Empire of Masks.

For the power to shatter the Masquerade,

She betrayed everyone she loved.

The traitor Baru Cormorant is now the cryptarch Agonist—a secret lord of the empire she's vowed to destroy.

Hunted by a mutinous admiral, haunted by the wound which has split her mind in two, Baru leads her dearest foes on an expedition for the secret of immortality. It's her chance to trigger a war that will consume the Masquerade.

But Baru's heart is broken, and she fears she can no longer tell justice from revenge...or her own desires from the will of the man who remade her.

SETH DICKINSON's short fiction has appeared in Analog, Asimov's, Clarkesworld, Lightspeed, Strange Horizons,and Beneath Ceaseless Skies, among others. He is an instructor at the Alpha Workshop for Young Writers, winner of the 2011 Dell Magazines Award, and a lapsed student of social neuroscience. He lives in Brooklyn, New York. The Monster Baru Cormorant is the sequel to the critically-acclaimed The Traitor Baru Cormorant.

On sale September 24, 2019 from Tor Books. 9780765380753. $19.99 USD

The Imaginary Corpse by Tyler Hayes

The Imaginary Corpse by Tyler Hayes

A dinosaur detective in the land of unwanted ideas battles trauma, anxiety, and the first serial killer of imaginary friends.

In a world where Toy Story meets Sin City, a dinosaur detective battles his own trauma and a remorseless serial killer hell-bent on shaking up an already messed-up town.

Tippy the triceratops was once someone’s best friend: a sunshine-yellow toy detective imagined to help make sense of the world. But inescapable tragedy forced Tippy to be set aside – still loved, still Real, but now abandoned. So he found a home in the underbelly of the imagination, a place called the Stillreal. But friends keep disappearing here, and Tippy is left chasing a mysterious figure who can do the impossible – kill an idea. Permanently. With fear and anxiety already ripe on the streets of Playtime Town, Tippy must face his own demons before all that’s left is imaginary corpses.

Introducing a fantasy-noir of an entirely different breed…

An Angry Robot release.

THE RUIN OF KINGS by Jenn Lyons

"Everything epic fantasy should be: rich, cruel, gorgeous, brilliant, enthralling and deeply, deeply satisfying. I loved it."—Lev Grossman, author ofThe Magicians

When destiny calls, there's no fighting back.

Kihrin grew up in the slums of Quur, a thief and a minstrel's son raised on tales of long-lost princes and magnificent quests. When he is claimed against his will as the missing son of a treasonous prince, Kihrin finds himself at the mercy of his new family's ruthless power plays and political ambitions.

Practically a prisoner, Kihrin discovers that being a long-lost prince is nothing like what the storybooks promised. The storybooks have lied about a lot of other things, too: dragons, demons, gods, prophecies, and how the hero always wins.

Then again, maybe he isn't the hero after all. For Kihrin is not destined to save the world.

He's destined to destroy it.

Jenn Lyons begins the Chorus of Dragons series with The Ruin of Kings, an epic fantasy novel about a man who discovers his fate is tied to the future of an empire.

"It's impossible not to be impressed with the ambition of it all . . . a larger-than-life adventure story about thieves, wizards, assassins and kings to dwell in for a good long while."—The New York Times

A Chorus of Dragons

1: The Ruin of Kings

2: The Name of All Things

JENN LYONS was a graphic artist and illustrator for 20 years and has worked in video games for over a decade. She previously worked on The Saboteur and Lord of the Rings: Conquest at EA Games. She is based out of Atlanta, Georgia. The Ruin of Kings is her first novel.

On sale September 10, 2019 from Tor Books. 9781250175502. $17.99 USD.

THE DEVIL’S HALF MILE by Paddy Hirsch

The Devil's Half Mile by Paddy Hirsch is a riveting historical thriller debut set in 1799 New York City, perfect for the fans of Gangs of New York and the works of Caleb Carr and Erik Larson.

Seven years after a financial crisis nearly toppled America, traders chafe at government regulations, racial tensions are rising, gangs roam the streets and corrupt financiers make back-door deals with politicians... 1799 was a hell of a year.

Thanks to Alexander Hamilton, America recovered from the panic on the Devil's Half Mile (aka Wall Street), but the young country is still finding its way. When young lawyer Justy Flanagan returns to solve his father's murder, he exposes a massive fraud that has already claimed lives, and one of the perpetrators are determined to keep secret at any cost. The body count is rising, and the looming crisis could topple the nation.

"A thriller with strong, multifaceted heroes and villains, tight plotting which rattles along in a city where you can smell the horse droppings and hear the authentic voices."—Patrick Taylor, New York Times bestselling author of the Irish Country Doctor series

"A superb historical whodunit. ... Effortlessly incorporates the political and economic background of the time."—Publishers Weekly *starred review*

"Fast paced and often violently brutal, this tale should please thriller readers who enjoy a twist of history"—Booklist

"A solid choice for historical fiction buffs and lovers of political plots."—Library Journal

PADDY HIRSCH is an award-winning journalist and online video host who produces the NPR podcast The Indicator from Planet Money. The author of The Devil's Half Mile came to journalism after serving for eight years as an officer in the British Royal Marines, and lives in Los Angeles. He is also the author of a nonfiction book explaining economics, Man vs. Markets.


On sale September 17, 2019 from Forge Books. 9780765399144. $16.99 USD

Motivational Quotes On the Humorous Side Part 2

Is there such a thing as funny motivational quotes? Of course! I mean, why can’t we have a little fun and be motivated at the same time? Some of the quotes below are pure gold! Here are 20 more short and funny motivational quotes to help brighten your day:

21. “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
22. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett

23. “When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?”” – Sydney Harris

24. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

25. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

26. “Bad decisions make good stories.” – Ellis Vidler

27. “Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.” – Unknown

28. “Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet.” – Unknown

29. “I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” – Louis Agassiz

30. “If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space.” – Unknown

31. “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

32. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison

33. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard

34. “Think like a proton. Always positive.” – Unknown

35. “When I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.” – Barney Stinson

36. “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London

37. “A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” – Unknown

38. “Be happy  –  it drives people crazy.” – Unknown

39. “Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” – Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

40. “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” – Franklin P. Jones

[Source: https://wealthygorilla.com/60-short-funny-motivational-quotes | July 2019 ++]

Did I read that Right?

 "TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."

 In a Laundromat: Automatic Washing Machines: Please Remove All Your Clothes When the Light Goes Out.

 In a London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs...

 In an office: Would the Person Who Took the Step Ladder Yesterday Please Bring It Back or Further Steps Will Be Taken.

 In an office: After Tea Break, Staff Should Empty the Teapot and Stand Upside Down on the Draining Board.

 Outside a secondhand shop: We Exchange Anything - Bicycles, Washing Machines, Etc. Why Not Bring Your Wife Along And Get A Wonderful Bargain?

 Notice in health food shop window: Closed Due to Illness...

 Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, Please Stay in Your Car.

 Seen during a conference: For Anyone Who Has Children and Doesn't Know it, there Is a Day Care on the 1st Floor.

 Notice in a farmer's field: The Farmer Allows Walkers to Cross the Field for Free, But the Bull Charges.

 Message on a leaflet: If You Cannot Read, This Leaflet Will Tell You How to Get Lessons.

 On a repair shop door: We Can Repair Anything. (Please Knock Hard On The Door - The Bell Doesn't Work.)

PORT OF SHADOWS by Glen Cook

Glen Cook, the father of Grimdark, returns to the Chronicles of the Black Company with a military fantasy adventure in Port of Shadows.

The soldiers of the Black Company don’t ask questions, they get paid. But being “The Lady’s favored” is attracting the wrong kind of attention and has put a target on their backs--and the Company’s historian, Croaker, has the biggest target of all.

The one person who was taken into The Lady’s Tower and returned unchanged has earned the special interest of the court of sorcerers known as The Ten Who Were Taken. Now, he and the company are being asked to seek the aid of their newest member, Mischievous Rain, to break a rebel army. However, Croaker doesn’t trust any of the Taken, especially not ones that look so much like The Lady and her sister…

The Chronicles of the Black Company

#1 The Chronicles of The Black Company

#2 The Books of the South

#3 The Return of The Black Company

#4 The Many Deaths of the Black Company

"Glen Cook's newest book, Port of Shadow, is is a master class in unreliable narration. " —Jenn Lyons, author of Ruin of Kings

GLEN COOK is the author of dozens of novels of fantasy and science fiction, including The Black Company series, The Garrett Files, and The Tyranny of the Night. Cook was born in 1944 in New York City. He attended the Clarion Writers Workshop in 1970, where he met his wife, Carol. He lives in St. Louis, Missouri.

On sale September 3, 2019 from Tor Books. 9781250174581. $18.99 USD

Just Thinking!

 No one, even the president is above the law. My question is, how come illegals are?

 How much better would life be if liar’s pants really did catch on fire?

 Caution! Floor covered with political promises.

 Imagine breaking into another country and being angry that their detention camps weren’t up to your standards!

 A Mexican cannot vote in Mexico without a valid ID. He must come to America to do that.

 Politicians killed a bill for giving tuition assistance for children of veterans killed in battle, THEN approve giving illegals free tuition.

 If you haven’t risked coming home under a flag, don’t you dare disrespect it.

 Do you really think it’s okay for Iran to have nukes, but not okay for law abiding Americans to have guns?

Proofreading (a dying art)

 Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter. (Not possible)

 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says. (Really? Ya' think?)

 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers. (Now that's taking things a bit far!)

 Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over. (What a guy!)

 Miners Refuse to Work after Death (No good for nothing' lazy so and so's!)

 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant. (See if that works better than a fair trial!)

 War Dims Hope for Peace. (I can see where it might have that effect!)

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile. (Ya' think?!)

 Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures. (Who would have thought!)

 Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide. (They may be on to something!)

 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges. (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

 Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge. (He probably IS the battery charge!)

 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group. (Weren't they fat enough?!)

 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft. (That's what he gets for eating those beans!)

 Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half. (Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

 Hospitals are sued by 7 Foot Doctors. (Boy, are they tall!)

 And the winner is... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Trump Tax Records

Please forgive the political aspect of this humor, but this is way too funny not to share—and it is about two of our Commanders-in-Chief. Oh, and it was obtained from an AF vet.

Former Press Secretary Sarah Sanders was one of the brightest people in the current administration. She has a very quick wit about her. During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps, "Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?”

Press Secretary Sanders astutely responded, "We've found a very secure place, and I'm certain they won't be found.”

"And just where is that?" asked the reporter sarcastically.

Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said, “They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration. Next question?"