RODNEY DANGERFIELD PART 2

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

 I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

 It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

 Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

 A hooker once told me she had a headache.

 I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

 I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

 The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

 My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

 I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

 My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

 My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

 My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.