Jokes from an Old Fart

 Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. 

 Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast. 

 Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” 

 Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. 

 A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.” 

 Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage. 

 Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space. 

 Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side. 

 How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it. 

 What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line. 

 What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. 

 Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross. 

 What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks, I’ll never part with it! 

 Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each. 

 What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head. 

 Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away. 

 What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison. 

 What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code. 

 Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.