Unintentionally Funny

The United States military loves slapping an acronym on anything that moves. Actually, things that don’t move are equally likely to be described with a jumble of letters when words would do the trick just fine. Sometimes it’s obvious that the acronym-izer should’ve put more thought into the process, and we get some unintentionally hilarious descriptors:

1. PMS -- Professor of Military Science

2. MANPADS -- Man-Portable Air-Defense System

3. MANCOC -- Maneuver Advanced NCO Course

4. DICC -- Defense Intelligence Collection Cell

5. DISCO -- Defense Industrial Security Clearance Office

6. MAGIC CARPET -- Maritime Augmented Guidance with Integrated Controls for Carrier Approach and recovery Precision Enabling Technologies.

7. DRBOB -- Defense Resale Business Optimization Board

8. FARP -- Forward Area Refueling Point

9. FAP -- Fleet Assistance Program

10. BLT -- Battalion Landing Team

11. AOC -- Army Operating Concept

Survivor’s of the 30’s thru 70’s

To all the kids who survived the 1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!

 First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

 We were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with brightly colored lead-based paints.

 We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.

 As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

 Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

 We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

 We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

 We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar and we weren't overweight. Why? Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

 We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were okay.

 We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve that problem.

 We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. We had friends and we went outside and found them!

 We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents.

 We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.

 We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and those worms did not live in us forever.

 We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, .22 rifles for our 12th, rode horses, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and - although we were told it would happen - we did not put out very many eyes.

 We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

 Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

 The idea of our parents bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever. The past 50 To 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas..

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of those born between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!

Missing Wife

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. The following conversation ensued:

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and 'Bubba' floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelin's. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. (VIN) #1HGBH41JXMN109186.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

AGENT TO THE STARS by John Scalzi

From New York Times bestseller and Hugo Award-winner, John Scalzi, a trade paperback repackage of his gleeful mash-up of science fiction and Hollywood satire—now with a new cover and intro!

The space-faring Yherajk have come to Earth to meet us and to begin humanity's first interstellar friendship. There's just one problem: they're hideously ugly and smell like rotting fish.

So getting humanity's trust is a challenge. The Yherajk need someone who can help them close the deal.

Enter Thomas Stein, who knows something about closing deals. He's one of Hollywood's hottest young agents. But although Stein may have just concluded the biggest deal of his career, it's quite another thing to negotiate for an entire alien race. To earn his percentage this time, he's going to need all the smarts, skills, and wits he can muster.

"A remarkably intelligent first-contact yarn, this book is absurd, funny, and satirically perceptive." —Booklist

"Thoughtful and down-to-Earth, Agent to the Stars is a thoroughly enjoyable work, reminiscent of Robert A. Heinlein or Spider Robinson, and a nice change of pace from the less optimistic SF out there." —SFSite.com

JOHN SCALZI is one of the most popular and acclaimed SF authors to emerge in the last decade. His massively successful debut Old Man's War won him science fiction's John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer. His New York Times bestsellers include The Last Colony, Fuzzy Nation, and Redshirts;which won 2013's Hugo Award for Best Novel. Material from his widely read blog, Whatever, has also earned him two other Hugo Awards. Scalzi also serves as critic-at-large for LA Times. He lives in Ohio with his wife and daughter.

On sale May 28, 2019 from Tor Books. 9781250176516. $18.99 USD.

Richard Timothy "Tim" Bolgeo, APRIL 15, 1949 – MAY 12, 2019

Richard Timothy “Uncle Timmy” Bolgeo, age 70, of Hixson, passed away on Sunday, May 12, 2019.

He was born in Memphis, Tennessee to the late Mary Margaret and Frank Louis “Pete” Bolgeo. Tim served our country in the United States Air Force. He received his Bachelor’s Degree in Electrical Engineering from Christian Brothers College in Memphis, Tennessee.

Tim was a retired electrical engineer with over 40 years with the Tennessee Valley Authority.

He was a longtime member of St. Jude Catholic Church. A lifetime reader of Science Fiction and Fantasy, Uncle Timmy was Founder and Chairman of Liberty Con 1 – 25, an original Board Member and Chairman of ChattaCon 7 – 11, and a staff member at numerous conventions throughout the southeast. He was the long running Editor/Publisher of the Fanzines The LibertyCon Newsletter (1987-1997) and The Revenge of Hump Day! (1997 to 2018).

He was also preceded in death by a brother, John Joseph Bolgeo. Tim is survived by his wife of almost 49 years, Linda Vannucci Bolgeo; children, Brandy Bolgeo Spraker and Jason (Jamie) Bolgeo; grandchildren, Alexander and Elizabeth Bolgeo Spraker and Tristan Bolgeo; siblings, Patricia (Archie) Stavrum and Robert Bolgeo; as well as many nieces and nephews. The family will receive friends from 4 to 5:30 pm on Thursday, May 16 at St. Jude Catholic Church, 930 Ashland Terrace, Chattanooga, TN 37415. A Mass of Celebration will follow at 5:30 pm on Thursday at St. Jude Catholic Church with Father Charlie Burton officiating.

In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made in Tim’s name to the Sisters of Charity of Nazareth, Retirement Fund, P. O. Box 9, Nazareth, Kentucky 40048 Arrangements are by the North Chapel of Chattanooga Funeral Home, Crematory and Florist, 5401 Highway 153, Hixson, TN 37343.

Tim was one of my oldest friends in fandom. It was close to 40 years ago when we met at the DeepSouthCon in Birmingham. We maintained our friendship at other DSCs, ChattaCons, and LibertyCons (of course) which I attended as a fan and often times as a guest, panelist, or just a normal fan. He was almost bigger than life. He was known world wide, not just in the South.

The world has lost a spokesman for the science fiction field; the South has lost a true Southern Gentleman; his family has lost a patriarch; and I have lost a friend.

I'll catch you on the next bend of the river with Phil Farmer ...

THE ANDROID’S DREAM by John Scalzi

From New York Times bestseller and Hugo Award-winner John Scalzi, a trade paperback repackage of his wild-and-woolly caper novel of interstellar diplomacy—now with a new cover and intro!

A human diplomat creates an interstellar incident when he kills an alien diplomat in a most . . . unusual . . . way. To avoid war, Earth's government must find an equally unusual object: a type of sheep ("The Android's Dream"), used in the alien race's coronation ceremony.

To find the sheep, the government turns to Harry Creek, ex-cop, war hero and hacker extraordinaire, who, with the help of a childhood friend turned artificial intelligence, scours the earth looking for the rare creature. But there are others with plans for the sheep as well. Mercenaries employed by the military. Adherents of a secret religion based on the writings of a 21st century SF author. And alien races, eager to start a revolution on their homeworld and a war on Earth.

To keep our planet from being enslaved, Harry will have to pull off a grand diplomatic coup, a gambit that will take him from the halls of power to the lava-strewn battlefields of alien worlds. There's only one chance to get it right, to save the life of the sheep—and to protect the future of humanity.

"With plenty of alien gore to satisfy fans of military SF and inventive jabs at pretend patriotism and self-serving civil service, Scalzi delivers an effervescent but intelligent romp." —Publishers Weekly

"The whip-smart writing exudes his enjoyment in such a way that almost guarantees the reader will take pleasure in the story as well...Humor is hard to do well; it has to be natural, non-intrusive and funny at the same time. Scalzi pulls it off exceptionally well." —SFSignal.com

JOHN SCALZI is one of the most popular and acclaimed SF authors to emerge in the last decade. His massively successful debut Old Man's War won him science fiction's John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer. His New York Times bestsellers include The Last Colony, Fuzz y Nation, and Redshirts;which won 2013's Hugo Award for Best Novel. Material from his widely read blog, Whatever, has also earned him two other Hugo Awards. Scalzi also serves as critic-at-large for LA Times. He lives in Ohio with his wife and daughter.

On sale May 28, 2019 from Tor Books. 9781250174758. $18.99 USD.

The Light Brigade by Kameron Hurley (UK Only)

For my readers in the United Kingdom, this is available for you from Angry Robot book.

Soldiers are broken into light and sent to the front line of a brutal interplanetary war, in this brilliant military SF from the Hugo Award­­-winning author of The Stars Are Legion.

The Light Brigade: it’s what soldiers fighting the war against Mars call the ones who come back…different. Grunts in the corporate corps get broken into light, traveling from interplanetary battlefronts. Everyone is changed by what the corps must do. Those who survive learn to stick to the mission brief — no matter what happens during combat.

Dieter, a fresh recruit in the infantry, begins to experience combat drops which don’t sync up with the platoon’s. And the bad drops tell a story of war that’s not what the corporate brass want the soldiers to think it is. Is Dietz really experiencing the war differently, or is it combat madness? Trying to survive with sanity intact, Dietz is ready to become a hero — or maybe even a villain. In war it’s hard to tell the difference.