Would You Beleive?

Shannon Stevens, along with her brother Erik and his girlfriend, snowmobiled to Erik's yurt in the back country near Haines, Alaska, on 13 FEB and got the scare of a lifetime when she was attacked from below by a bear in an outhouse, the Associated Press reported. 

Erik heard his sister's screams and went out to investigate, opening the toilet seat to find "a bear face ... just looking right back up through the hole, right at me," he said. 

He shut the lid and ran back to the yurt, where they treated Shannon's wound with a first aid kit and determined is wasn't serious. 

Alaska Department of Fish and Game Wildlife
Management biologist Carl Koch said the bear probably swiped at her with its paw, rather than biting her.

"She could be the only person on Earth that this has ever happened to," Koch speculated. 

[Associated Press, 2/19/2021]

Would You Believe?

Desperate Times

Police in the Ukrainian village of Hrybova Rudnya determined that the unnamed man who called them 13 FEB and confessed to seriously injuring his stepfather, made the call in order to get the road in front of his house cleared of snow. 

Police spokeswoman Yulia Kovtun told the BBC the man insisted that officers would need special equipment to get to him because of the snow, but when police arrived, they found no assault or murder, and the road had already been cleared by a tractor. 

The man was charged with filing a false report and fined. [BBC, 2/15/2021]

More Military Humor

1. How do you knock out a marine while he’s drinking water? Slam the toilet lid down on his head. 

2. A Marine orders a pizza and the waitress asks if he’d like it sliced into four pieces or six. “Make it four. I’m not hungry enough for six.” 

3. What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces? They all originally set out to become Marines. 

4. Why did God give the Marine one more brain cell than the horse? So he wouldn’t poop along the parade route. 

5. Ever wonder what Marine stands for? Muscles. Are. Required. Intelligence. Not. Essential. 

6. Helicopter nicknames 

     USAF: Birds 

     USA: Choppers 

     USN: Helos 

     USMC: OHH! OHH OHOH! (pointing at the sky) 

7. What’s the worst thing you can say to a Marine? “I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to join the marines.” 

8. A vegan, a cross-fitter, and a Marine walk into a bar… I know it because they announced it as soon as they walked in. 

9. How do you keep a Marine happy in his old age? Tell him a joke when he’s young. 

10. Bartender: “Guys, I just heard a great joke about the military!” 

    Patron: “Before you say anything, you should know that my buddy and I are marines. Think you still want to share it?” 

    Bartender: “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain it.”

It’s a Dog’s Life

Bill Dorris, a successful Nashville, Tennessee, businessman, was 84 years old when he passed away late last year, WTVF-TV reported, leaving $5 million to his beloved 8-year-old border collie, Lulu. 

Dorris, who was unmarried and traveled frequently, often left Lulu in the care of his friend Martha Burton, 88, who will continue to keep the dog and will be reimbursed for reasonable monthly expenses from the trust established for Lulu by the will. Burton was chill about the whole thing: "I don't really know what to think about it to tell you the truth," she said. 

"He just really loved that dog." 

[WTVF 2/12/2021]

An Educational Surprise

Concordia University student Aaron Asuini wanted to ask a question in the online art history class he was taking, but when he tried to reach out to the lecturer, Francois-Marc Gagnon, he couldn't find any contact information in the school's portal. So he Googled the professor's name -- and found an obituary.

The Verge reported Gagnon passed away in March 2019, and although the course syllabus listed someone else as the class's official instructor, it also noted that Gagnon would be the lecturer. 

A Concordia spokesperson expressed regret at the misunderstanding, but Asuini is still unsettled about it: 

"I don't really even want to watch the lectures anymore. ... I think it lacked tact and respect for this teacher's life." 

[The Verge, 2/4/2021]

The Love Dress

A mother-in-law stopped by expectantly at her newly married son’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,totally naked.

"What are you doing?” She asked. 

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered. 

“But you're naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed. 

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained. 

“Love dress? But you're naked!” she says. 

“Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked. “What are you doing?” he asked. 

“This is my love dress” she replied. Needs ironing” he says. “What’s for dinner?"

The Hotel Room is How Much?

A 70-year old woman chose to remain overnight at a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday. 

 The following morning she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager. 

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel “has an Olympic-sized swimming pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.“

But I didn’t use them,” the old women said. 

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he said. The manger proceeded with that she could have likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said. 

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said. 

The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.” 

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn't use it!” 

The manger then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay. 

He manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. “But madam, this check is only for $50.00,” he said. 

That is right. I charge $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied. 

"But I didn’t" the manager shouted. 

“Well, too bad. I was here and you could have.”