Have You Heard...

Have you heard the joke about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.

Have you heard about the Corduroy pillow? It's making HEADLINES!

Have you heard the joke about the blunt pencil? Never mind, there's no point

Have you heard the one about the skunk? It stinks

Have you heard the one about the Vacuum? It sucks

Have you heard the one about the Gravel? It rocks

Have you heard the one about the Fire? It went up in flames

Have you heard the one about the Tree? Its sappy

Have you heard the one about the Cheddar? Its cheesy

Have you heard about the 2 people who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.

Have you heard about the guy who incented lifesavers? They say he made a mint

Have you heard about the kidnapping in school? Its okay. He woke up.

Have you heard about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He passed away.

Have you heard about the guy who cut off the left side of his body? He’s all right now.

Have you heard about what type of shorts clouds wear? Thunderwear

Have you heard about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.

Have you heard about the firs at the circus? It was in tents!

Have you heard about the runor regarding peanut butter? You don’t want to spread it.

Have you heard about the black cat who ran up a big phone bill? She called Persian-to-Persian

BEER CAN VASECTOMY

Beer Can Vasectomy:

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a "vasectomy" that could fix the problem but it was pretty expensive.

"A less costly alternative," advised the doctor, "is to go home, get a large cherry bomb [fireworks are legal in Alabama], light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian replied to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help us not have any more kids."

''Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"..."2"..."3"..."4"..."5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Mississippi, parts of Georgia,
Missouri, West Virginia, and Washington, D.C.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD PART 2

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

 I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

 It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

 Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

 A hooker once told me she had a headache.

 I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

 I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

 The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

 My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

 I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

 My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

 My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

 My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD PART 1

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
 I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

 I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

 I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

 I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

 When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

 I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

 I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

 Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

 My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

 I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

 I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

 I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

 One year they wanted to make me a poster boy—for birth control.

 My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

PHILOSOPHY 101

 I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

 I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you
.
 When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

 Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 Money talks ... all mine ever says is good-bye.

 You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters and Twin Peaks. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?

 I can ' t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

 Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

 The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

 Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

 The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

VA MISSION ACT QUESTIONS ANSWERED

VA Mission Act Update 11 ► Top Questions Answered

On 6 JUN VA implemented changes to community care under the VA MISSION Act. The changes included expanded eligibility for community care and a new urgent care benefit. As part of our outreach and engagement efforts, the VA collected the top questions received from Veterans and provided answers to each one below with the goal of making it easier to access the care you have earned.

General Health Care

 When can I receive community care? Eligibility for community care depends on your individual health care needs or circumstances. You should discuss community care eligibility with your VA care team to determine if you are eligible. This video provides a quick overview of Veteran community care.

 Can I get dental care through the MISSION Act? Eligibility for dental services has not changed under the MISSION Act. You should talk to your VA care team about eligibility for dental services. Click here for more information about dental care.

 How does a community provider know I am eligible to receive community care? If your VA care team has determined that you are eligible for community care and you chose a community provider, VA will send the provider a referral and authorization prior to you receiving care. You must receive approval from VA prior to obtaining care from a community provider in most circumstances.

 I was authorized for community care under the Choice program. What happens now? The Choice program expired on June 6, 2019, and specific Choice eligibility for community care is no longer being used. If you were eligible for community care under Choice, you should speak with your VA care team or a VA staff member at your local VA medical facility about updated eligibility for community care. This video also provides a quick primer regarding community care eligibility under the new Veteran community care program.

Urgent Care

 How do I become eligible for the urgent care benefit? You must be enrolled in VA health care and have received care through VA from either a VA or community provider within the past 24 months to be eligible for the urgent care benefit.

 How can I find an urgent care provider? To find an urgent care location in VA’s contracted network, use the VA facility locator at https://www.va.gov/find-locations . Select the link entitled “Find VA approved urgent care locations and pharmacies near you”.

 What is the difference between urgent care and emergency care? Urgent care consists of medical services provided for minor illnesses or injuries that are not life-threatening such as strep throat, pink eye, or influenza. Emergency care consists of inpatient or outpatient hospital services that are necessary to prevent death or serious impairment of health such as severe chest pain, seizures or loss of awareness, heavy uncontrollable bleeding, or moderate to severe burns.

 Do I have to pay a co-payment if I receive urgent care that relates to my service-connected condition?Copayments for urgent care are different from other VA medical co-payments. Co-payments for urgent care depend on your assigned priority group and the number of times you visit any urgent care provider in a calendar year. Visit the Urgent Care webpage for more information about co-payments.

 How do I get prescription medication related to an urgent care visit? VA will pay for or fill prescriptions for urgent care. For urgent care prescription medication longer than a 14-day supply, the prescription must be submitted to VA to be filled. For urgent prescriptions written by an urgent care provider, you can fill a 14-day supply of medication at a contracted pharmacy within the VA network, in VA, or at a non-contracted pharmacy. If a non-contracted pharmacy is used, you must pay for the prescription and then file a claim for reimbursement with your local VA medical facility.

Go to https://www.va.gov/COMMUNITYCARE/pubs/factsheets.asp for more detailed information on community
care and urgent care. [Source: VA News| June 19, 2019 ++]

Roky Erickson, psychedelic rock pioneer with 13th Floor Elevators, dies at 71

Roky Erickson, psychedelic rock pioneer with 13th Floor Elevators, dies at 71

By Randall Roberts

Jun 01, 2019 | 6:35 AM

To fully appreciate the way in which psychedelic rock pioneer Roky Erickson, who died Friday at 71, treated musical creativity at the beginning of his career, one need only reference his band the 13th Floor Elevators’ 1966 debut album.

“Recently, it has been possible for man to chemically alter his mental state and thus alter his point of view,” read the liner notes for “The Psychedelic Sounds of the Thirteenth Floor Elevators,” referencing use of the not-yet-outlawed hallucinogenic drug LSD.

Erickson’s creative output was forever altered, for better and worse, by the explosive cocktail of music and acid. With a feral yowl that telegraphed mania, the singer and songwriter led the 13th Floor Elevators through a series of hard, tripped-out late 1960s psychedelic anthems, including “You’re Gonna Miss Me,” “Slip Inside This House” and “She Lives in a Time of Her Own.”

Erickson’s death was announced by his brother, Mikel Erickson, on Facebook. “My brother Roky passed away peaceably today. Please allow us time. Music and laughter forever.”

The cause of death was not revealed.

Across a trio of Elevators albums and a dozen solo albums, Erickson’s eerie, oft-gothic lyricism illuminated a darkened world filled with gremlins, vampires, zombies, bloody hammers and two-headed dogs. “Don't shake me Lucifer,” he sang on his Halloween-recorded 1987 live album “Evil One,” “I been up all night / and no suicide clock works.”

As if the words weren’t spooky enough, Erickson’s distinctive, soaring voice sealed the deal. Jumping octaves in ways that predicted heavy-metal belters such as Ronnie James Dio and Axl Rose, he sang as if dangling from a 13th-floor window.

The 13th Floor Elevators’ work received a post-breakup boost when the writer and guitarist Lenny Kaye included “You’re Gonna Miss Me” on his seminal 1972 collection, “Nuggets: Original Artyfacts from the First Psychedelic Era, 1965–1968.” Set alongside proto-punk songs by the Seeds, the Standells and the Count Five, “You’re Gonna Miss Me” became a secret handshake among fans of hard, weird rock music.

Erickson, who was born Roger Kynard Erickson in Austin, Tex., was revered by artists including R.E.M., T Bone Burnett, ZZ Top, Doug Sahm and the Jesus and Mary Chain, all of whom covered his work on the 1990 tribute album, “Where the Pyramid Meets the Eye.” Erickson, however, never broke into the mainstream.

Not that he had much of a chance. By the end of the 1960s he’d been arrested multiple times for drug possession and admitted to the Rusk State Hospital, a mental facility in East Texas. He’d reportedly consumed hundreds of tabs of acid by then, and over the years his attendants have suggested that the drug consumption affected Erickson’s already delicate mental well-being.

“Roky lived in so many worlds, you couldn’t keep up with him,” his longtime friend Bill Bentley told Variety. “He lived so much, and not always on this planet.”

Despite Erickson’s mental struggles, his voice could hardly be contained, and after retreating from the music scene for much of the 1970s, he returned to recording and continued to create work and tour as a solo artist throughout the rest of his life.

His reemergence was greeted with enthusiasm in the budding indie-rock world, most notably with his 1986 album “Don’t Slander Me.” A 2005 documentary, “You’re Gonna Miss Me,” received ample attention, even as it revealed the limits of Erickson’s capacities. In 2010, he teamed with Austin roots rock band Okkervil River for “True Love Cast Out All Evil.” True to its title, the work found Erickson on more solid ground, and less worried about monsters, than he once was.

Some of his most crucial solo work was recently resurrected for reissue by the acclaimed Light in the Attic imprint, inviting yet another generation to trace the artist’s long, meandering trip.

Erickson continued to tour, and became a beloved figure in his Austin birthplace. During an outdoor set in the ‘00s as part of the city’s annual South by Southwest music conference, his stage presence was as endearing as it was curious.

He dotted his concise between-song banter — “Thank you!” — with gleeful giggles. At times he seemed surprised that people were there watching him. At others, he tapped into the music, howled and reconnected with the present.

He leaned into “You’re Gonna Miss Me” as if making his case for the first time. “I gave you the warning — but you never heeded it,” he sang. “How can you say you miss my loving — when you never needed it?”

After another pleading verse, Erickson moved into the chorus with a gleeful sense of vindication: “You didn’t realize,” he sang, rubbing it in through repetition. “You’re gonna miss me.” By the time the song faded out, few doubters remained.

Living in the small town South and attending a Baptist College, this music was an exception to the rule. No more Beach Boys and Four Seasons, this was an assault on our ears and our minds. It was the name of the band that drew me to the album, but it was the music that kept me coming back. It was a unique sound that soon became a favorite.

Unfortunately, it was not a sound that was embraced by many and that was truly a shame. The Iron Butterfly and Vanilla Fudge would become more successful and the entire psychedelic movement came about because of them.

Rest well.