RODNEY DANGERFIELD PART 1

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
 I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

 I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

 I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

 I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

 When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

 I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

 I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

 Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

 My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

 I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

 I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

 I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

 One year they wanted to make me a poster boy—for birth control.

 My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.