a love for words

Lexophile describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or "To
write with a broken pencil is pointless" An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create
the best original lexophile. Here are some of the submissions:

 No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
 If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
 I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
 Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
 When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
 When chemists die, they barium.
 I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
 I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
 England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
 Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
 This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
 I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
 A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
 When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
 I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
 A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
 A will is a dead giveaway.
 With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
 Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
 A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
 The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
 He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
 When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
 Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
 Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end